Well what can I say, the last blog I wrote I told you about Garry and I moving in together and hoping that our relationship would grow alongside our little dude.
The Tuesday before the Sunday we were about to move in together, he was due to come over to my house. The day before he had played absent boyfriend, being the sarcastic bugger that I am I had sent him a text saying
"Are you on boyfriend strike today? No texts, or phone calls. It's not a part time time vacancy"
to which no response for a further hour just to piss me off even further and feed my insecurities, to which he put down to me being hormental & pregnant. To which I cried and apologised and he said it's ok sausage.
The Tuesday phone conversation unveiled that I had not in fact been hormental at all, I had picked up on a distance which had not been there before. He called me to tell me he wouldn't be coming over and was unsure whether he wanted to move in with me. I had been concerned that Garry had a daughter he would miss and had been ill so was constantly asking if he was ok with moving in, to which he even wrote a text saying don't worry, it will all be ok once we are moved in.
It totally threw me and I immediately pushed him away. Later in the week I tried to communicate with him to understand where this had all come from. I won't go into this, it's too personal but needless to say, I am none the wiser.
What has hurt me most is, I thought I was falling in love with someone who has turned out to be someone else. I have lost all trust and respect for him which hurts me more than it probably hurts him. I have lost a friend, a laughing partner and I have lost a man I thought I was going to share our new babies life with.
However, I have gained a lot more though in this, I have found a new level of respect for myself. I have found inner strength I never knew I had, I have discovered a whole higher level of support from my family and friends who have been amazing and I have discovered that happiness is an inside job that only you can fulfil. I have been enriched by this experience and in a way I thank him, because if this had not happened I could have allowed him to tap into my insecurities and would never have discovered all this richness in my life without him. I would have continued to pour all my energies into finding happiness for him in his new home and in his well being. This experience has encouraged me to look after myself and our baby, not him, which I was trying to do.
I know I have moments were I completely tear up and think we won't share our son together but I know our son will be happy because we won't be making each other unhappy. I am happier now knowing what I know and carrying on making plans for me and the little dude with the people who do want to be in my life. There is a path that is laid out for each of us so there is no point trying to change its course, what is for us won't go by us. Trust that good things will come and let go of the things that make you unhappy. I know this blog is a bit sad & raw but I will make you laugh next time I promise. Sarah Milligan the comedian thanked her ex husband for falling out of love with her because without the divorce she never would have found the strength to become who she is today. I believe things happen for a reason and know both me and the little dude have a great future ahead of us.
Thanks for reading and thank you to all my family and friends who have been my rock in the last couple of weeks.
S xxx
