When you become pregnant, people say how fantastic, the best time of your life, such an amazing feeling. I am starting to think it possibly is as well, I have been exceptionally lucky, no morning sickness, no fads, minimal mood swings considering my life has been on a roller coaster to rival any from Disneyland, neat little bump so far but growing at a speed of knots per day so know he is healthy and happy in there and no health scares. I have been carrying really well.
However, being a fashion designer and having been a size 10 most of my life, I have found the complexities of both my changing body shape and my resistance to even progress to maternity wear quite appauling really.
First came the boobs - from day one they became extremely sensitive and itched like crazy. The biggest surprise to me was the change in my beautiful little twenty pence piece size nipples increasing to the size of a two pound coin, shocker. I knew my boobs would have to grow to accommodate the milk - oh yes that attractive thought of me becoming a human dairy exporter. What I didn't expect was that the baby would need a bigger target to aim at for feeding time, what is that all about? The baby is going to have 20/20 vision, no problem visualising the bullseye, why does this happen? I prefer my small marble ball size nipples they were far more aesthetically pleasing to the tennis ball size nipples I am now bound to have. What I need to know is will my nipples retract into their former selves or will I end up with medium ping pong sized nipples. I do apologise for the ball references I am dumbfounded how a pair of balls got me into this mess in the first place, it's all very relevant.
Secondly, my flat stomach is now protruding so much so that today I looked down at my naked self and could not see my phouff - (lady garden) to those not familiar with the word phouff! Not even sure if I have spelt it correctly but I could not see it - dammit! Not that I stand looking at my phouff on a daily basis or in fact need to for any reason but why would the divine maker of creation think, I know women should give birth and for nine months of their lives I am going to piss on their strawberries by making them as fat as a house with a medicine size ball belly and tennis ball size nipples. Is it because the divine creator is a man and doesn't get to enjoy the nurturing of feeling his unborn child kick and grow inside him and says balls to you I am going to call it mother nature and screw you over by turning you into a weeble shape?!!!!!
To make matters worse, Marks & Spencer create the most ugly bras for women who have bigger boobs. I am used to triangular lace pretty numbers in gorgeous colours and contrast boudoir bows, very "sex in the city" Carrie Bradshawesque. I was horrified when I went to M&S to do the right thing for the protection of the future of my boobs, I was advised to get the above bra. I adhere to Helena Christensen's advice for a pert breast that you should always wear a great bra. I love lingerie and I agree with her and a matching set always makes you feel that extra bit sexier! However, the bolstier holder without any underwire to help prevent your milk ducts from being blocked up and to give you extra support with it's built up straps was not to my liking so much so I pissed myself laughing at the assistant in the shop and told her "No"! She won me over and I bought one in white, luckily my boyfriend and I split up so he never got to see the unsexiest day of my life ha ha ha and I unfortunately washed it with some jeans and it turned grey..... I had to throw it away, damn that washing machine he he he.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy being pregnant, I have a superpower of growing a baby inside me, not everyone gets the pleasure and I know I am blessed, I am purely stating facts not moaning. I still feel sexy as long as cars driving by still beepy beep me from behind ha ha! suckers and I still wear reasonably sexy underwear that does not represent a scaffolding company. Why should pregnancy carry such ugly complexities? I know that pregnancy is just a window of nine months in my life because my mum keeps reminding me but it could come with less body altering factors such as stretch marks - which by the way I am basting myself up in bio oil on a daily basis to prevent, constipation, breathlessness - I mean how unattractive is that? and cankles which again I am not going to have, I refuse! This is all before the baby, delightful! I am sure the ugly factor will step up a level in childbirth and yet everyone keeps telling me how beautiful the whole process is. I can feel the little dude kicking my internal organs now doing untold damage - how is his exit from me going to be pretty...... I am not convinced, the jury is out on that one.
I need all your beauty top tips please and instead of baby grows and toys can you please all club together for a weekend at Babington House for me, I think I am going to need some Spa treatments when the little man arrives. Not selfish of me at all, I have been substituting buying my wine for avent milk bottles and muslin cloths, I am making personal sacrifices for my very loved little dude. I am sure I will feel sexy and gorgeous again one day. I will definitely glow with pride when I meet him, maybe that's what everyone is chatting about.
Thanks for reading and I always love to hear you enjoy my blog - it makes me smile.
Sarah xx
