I've changed!!!!!!!!

This is me dancing on a table, aged 40 on hollybobs in Falaraki August 2012, how my life has changed in the last twelve months.  I was dancing away and loving life with the girlies, we were full to the brim of vodka and sunburnt from the day of lounging by the pool, little did I know what was round the corner.  Had I known then what I know now I would have partied longer, stayed out later and laughed louder!   Not that I did a bad job of enjoying myself but little did I know it would be my last girlie holiday like that one.  We had a brilliant time, flirting, dancing, sunbathing, behaving badly and drinking our own body weight in alcohol.  I imagined that life would just continue to stay forever that way, having my freedom, dancing with cute guys and having a ball with my friends.  Although I wished for love to come into my life, I didn't for one moment think that it would happen as it has, nor did I think that I would be pregnant with my first and only child a year on.

Since that holiday, I have flown on Kasakhstan airlines from Hong Kong to the UK - a  truly momentous time in my life I can assure you, met some amazing people, been made redundant, started my own freelance design business, had a brief relationship and created a little life that I am currently carrying.  He is at this moment dancing like his mummy in my tummy, how things have changed.

My Saturday nights no longer consist of dancing and drinking, they now revolve around a boiling kettle keeping me in tea which has become a  substitute to the wine intake that I had grown accustomed to.  Tonight, I am babysitting my gorgeous niece and practising my go to sleep techniques which surprisingly I am winning on and no calpol has been added so far, just the simple application of a  singing bear and a bit of T.L.C. from Aunty Sarah - DONE!  Don't get me wrong, my luck has played a blinder tonight and I know there will be nights when I will long for my party time but for tonight I am basking  in my baby whisperer powers.  No Adam! (smug brother), you cannot piss all over my strawberries by saying this is a one off - I have the sleep touch and I am going to use it.

I would normally have been dancing around Didsbury or London Town with my friends in their playgrounds of The Met and Shoreditch House but those days are gone for a while at least and a new chapter is starting for me.  There are pro's and con's to my ever changing lifestyle,  a con would be I miss my friends and dancing until all hours.  However, the wind and rain outside are assuring me that I am not missing out on the long waits for a taxi home.  I am filled with an inner feeling of smugness when Kate and Adam rock up from their night out in Chester and have battled the wet and cold to find a cash machine to pay their parking fees.  In the meantime I have been all cosy and melting in front of the TV while overseeing a brand new life sleeping in front of me whilst another kicks his way out of my tummy.  They have their days of dancing in front of them - I hope I don't embarrass them too much when I try to show them how it's done ha ha ha!  I know these quiet days will have their window in my life but I know I will get back to my old antics one day - maybe not to the same extent, I don't think I could do the Sambuca's anymore but I will welcome the evening I get back in my gladrags and have a cheeky wine or three with the girls.

I know that I have a lot of change going on from my former playtime days but staying in and nurturing two little loved ones is worth changing for.  I am extremely happy and feel very blessed. Thank you to everyone who told me I would feel that way - you know who you are and I do listen sometimes.  It is a very different experience but one I am loving.

Thank you for reading my blog - you all make me smile with your lovely comments.

Sarah x

Not the sexiest moment in life

When you become pregnant, people say how fantastic,  the best time of your life, such an amazing feeling.  I am starting to think it possibly is as well, I have been exceptionally lucky, no morning sickness, no fads, minimal mood swings considering my life has been on a roller coaster to rival any from Disneyland, neat little bump so far but growing at a speed of knots per day so know he is healthy and happy in there and no health scares.  I have been carrying really well.

However,  being a fashion designer and having been a size 10 most of my life, I have found the complexities of both my changing body shape and my resistance to even progress to maternity wear quite appauling really.

First came the boobs - from day one they became extremely sensitive and itched like crazy.  The biggest surprise to me was the change in my beautiful little twenty pence piece size nipples increasing to the size of a two pound coin, shocker.  I knew my boobs would have to grow to accommodate the milk - oh yes that attractive thought of me becoming a human dairy exporter. What I didn't expect was that the baby would need a bigger target to aim at for feeding time, what is that all about?  The baby is going to have 20/20 vision, no problem visualising the bullseye, why does this happen?  I prefer my small marble ball size nipples they were far more aesthetically pleasing to the tennis ball size nipples I am now bound to have.  What I need to know is will my nipples retract into their former selves or will I end up with medium ping pong sized nipples.  I do apologise for the ball references I am dumbfounded how a pair of balls got me into this mess in the first place, it's all very relevant.

Secondly, my flat stomach is now protruding so much so  that today I looked down at my naked self and could not see my phouff - (lady garden) to those not familiar with the word phouff!  Not even sure if I have spelt it correctly but I could not see it - dammit!  Not that I stand looking at my phouff on a daily basis or in fact need to for any reason but why would the divine maker of creation think, I know women should give birth and for nine months of their lives I am going to piss on their strawberries by making them as fat as a house with a medicine size ball belly and tennis ball size nipples.  Is it because the divine creator  is a man and doesn't get to enjoy the nurturing of feeling his unborn child kick and grow inside him and says balls to you I am going to call it mother nature and screw you over by turning you into a weeble shape?!!!!!

To make matters worse, Marks & Spencer create the most ugly bras for women who have bigger boobs.  I am used to triangular lace pretty numbers in gorgeous colours and contrast boudoir bows, very "sex in the city" Carrie Bradshawesque.  I was horrified when I went to M&S to do the right thing for the protection of the future of my boobs, I was advised to get the above bra. I adhere to Helena Christensen's advice for a pert breast that you should always wear a great bra.  I love lingerie and I  agree with her and a matching set always makes you feel that extra bit sexier!  However,  the bolstier holder without any underwire to help prevent your milk ducts from being blocked up and to give you extra support with it's built up straps was not to my liking so much so I pissed myself laughing at the assistant in the shop and told her "No"!  She won me over and I bought one in white, luckily my boyfriend and I split up so he never got to see the unsexiest day of my life ha ha ha and I unfortunately washed it with some jeans and it turned grey..... I had to throw it away, damn that washing machine he he he.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy being pregnant, I have a superpower of growing a baby inside me, not everyone gets the pleasure and I know I am blessed, I am purely stating facts not moaning. I still feel sexy as long as cars driving by still beepy beep me from behind ha ha! suckers and I still wear reasonably sexy underwear that does not represent a scaffolding company. Why should pregnancy carry such ugly complexities?  I know that pregnancy is just a window of nine months in my life because my mum keeps reminding me but it could come with less body altering factors such as stretch marks - which by the way I am basting myself up in bio oil on a daily basis to prevent, constipation, breathlessness - I mean how unattractive is that? and cankles which again I am not going to have, I refuse!  This is all before the baby, delightful!  I am sure the ugly factor will step up a level in childbirth and yet everyone keeps telling me how beautiful the whole process is.  I can feel the little dude kicking my internal organs now doing untold damage - how is his exit from me going to be pretty...... I am not convinced, the jury is out on that one.

I need all your beauty top tips please and instead of baby grows and toys can you please all club together for a weekend at Babington House for me, I think I am going to need some Spa treatments when the little man arrives.  Not selfish of me at all, I have been substituting buying my wine for avent milk bottles and muslin cloths, I am making personal sacrifices for my very loved little dude.  I am sure I will feel sexy and gorgeous again one day.  I will definitely glow with pride when I meet him, maybe that's what everyone is chatting about.

Thanks for reading and I always love to hear you enjoy my blog - it makes me smile.

Sarah xx

It's over!

Well what can I say, the last blog I wrote I told you about Garry and I moving in together and hoping that our relationship would grow alongside our little dude.

The Tuesday before the Sunday we were about to move in together, he was due to come over to my house.  The day before he had played absent boyfriend, being the sarcastic bugger that I am I had sent him a text saying
 "Are you on boyfriend strike today?  No texts, or phone calls.  It's not a part time time vacancy"
to which no response for a further hour just to piss me off even further and feed my insecurities, to which he put down to me being hormental & pregnant. To which I cried and apologised and he said it's ok sausage.

The Tuesday phone conversation unveiled that I had not in fact been hormental at all, I had picked up on a distance which had not been there before.  He called me to tell me he wouldn't be coming over and was unsure whether he wanted to move in with me.  I had been concerned that Garry had a daughter he would miss and had been ill so was constantly asking if he was ok with moving in, to which he even wrote a text saying don't worry, it will all be ok once we are moved in.

It totally threw me and I immediately pushed him away.  Later in the week I tried to communicate with him to understand where this had all come from.  I won't go into this, it's too personal but needless to say, I am none the wiser.

What has hurt me most is, I thought I was falling in love with someone who has turned out to be someone else.  I have lost all trust and respect for him which hurts me more than it probably hurts him.  I have lost a friend,  a laughing partner and I have lost a man I thought I was going to share our new babies life with.

However, I have gained a lot more though in this, I have found a new level of respect for myself.  I have found inner strength I never knew I had, I have discovered a whole higher level of support from my family and friends who have been amazing and I have discovered that happiness is an inside job that only you can fulfil.  I have been enriched by this experience and in a way I thank him, because if this had not happened I could have allowed him to tap into my insecurities and would never have discovered all this richness in my life without him.  I would have continued to pour all my energies into finding happiness for him in his new home and in his well being.  This experience has encouraged me to look after myself and our baby, not him, which I was trying to do.

I know I have moments were I completely tear up and think we won't share our son together but I know our son will be happy because we won't be making each other unhappy. I am happier now knowing what I know and carrying on making plans for me and the little dude with the people who do want to be in my life. There is a path that is laid out for each of us so there is no point trying to change its course, what is for us won't go by us.  Trust that good things will come and let go of the things that make you unhappy.  I know this blog is a bit sad & raw but I will make you laugh next time I promise.  Sarah Milligan the comedian thanked her ex husband for falling out of love with her because without the divorce she never would have found the strength to become who she is today.  I believe things happen for a reason and know both me and the little dude have a great future ahead of us.

Thanks for reading and thank you to all my family and friends who have been my rock in the last couple of weeks.

S xxx

Do you want to just pee in this pot for me?

The days leading up to discovering I was pregnant were quite rocky to say the least.  Just a month or so into our relationship, I was pushing Garry away because guess what!?  I really, really liked him - so I was doing my ultimate best to test him, the push you away but will you stay test.  I think you girls will know what I am talking about but you guys will probably think - you idiots!  However, when you start a new relationship you feel insecure, emotional, vulnerable and a little bit crazy, because you have made yourself previously so positive, independent, strong, focused and happy.  Then someone else comes into the equation and suddenly rocks your confidence, you ask yourself - will he like me, when all you have been doing previously is saying I like me.  Also, you realise that you could be even happier than you have been alone and if that's taken away from you, you suddenly feel very vulnerable - hence the self protecting that kicks in.  In my case, push him away and then I am in control and not so vulnerable  - obviously!  

However, coupled with this vulnerability of the new budding relationship, I was also very hormental.  Unbeknown to me I was actually pregnant, however, I thought my thyroid was broken so I had taken myself off to see my doctor to get my levels checked.  I was feeling so strung out I went to see my mum, lucky her!  I rocked up at her house and ranted, stomped and raged and eventually cried.  I cannot tell why - not because it's a secret, but because I cannot remember what it was that had me so stressed out.  It is of no importance now though because all is forgotten, but I am sure my mum will be able to tell you that I was a complete pain in the arse that day.  Unconsolable and emotional and we put it down to me going through a redundancy three months previously.  We bought cream cakes to cheer us up and it worked too.

The following week Garry came to stay with me, initially everything was great, I had missed him, we had had a chat and I was feeling better about us and we had a good couple of days together. However, the time came for Garry to go back home and the mist of dome descended on me.  I started to sulk again - I don't remember why! but Garry has since told me that is not my best look and that I stop looking pretty when I sulk so I shouldn't do it.  He is stating a fact here, not being harsh, for years Barbara one of  my best friend has been comparing my sulky face to Frank from Shameless - it really isn't my best look.  

Garry left me that evening under the shadow of me saying "that's it, its over!".  The cheeky scamp, was not even phased, as this was not the first time he had heard this phrase and just left me sulking while he chuckled off to his car knowing that I was making something out of nothing.  I even saw him smirking as he walked off, but I was just as adamant that it was no laughing matter - it was over!  I was a complete nightmare that day to Garry and he just paid no notice to my mardiness as he had  realised that I had started a pattern of events and by the following week - all would be resolved and  we would again have a nice couple of days just until he was due to go home.......

The following day,  true to form I did not contact Garry, still in sulk mode I took myself off to the doctors to find out the results of my Thyroid test, this could resolve the mood swings if my Thyroid was imbalanced as it tampers with my hormones.  The doctor who saw me that morning was not to know what was about to be unleashed on her.   I had been watching Denise Welch on Lorraine talking about her struggle with depression.  I empathised with Denise and this set the pace of my visit to the doctors, I told her how erratic I had been, how I was up and down emotionally, how I had been pushing Garry away and eventually how at the age of 40, I had been having sex without contraception which was totally out of control and out of character for me.  I spiralled into a tearful snotty mess and she consoled me a box of tissues and then asked the question "when is your next period", my shocked blubbering response to this was, "it should have started two days ago but it usually turns up!"    Not really taking in the enormity of her question she then asked me to go and pee in this cup, as my thyroid was not in fact broken and my hormone imbalance could be due to me being up the duff!  

I was horrified how quickly she discovered the positive outcome.  I had never ever taken a pregnancy test in my life and immediately burst into a torrential flood of tears.  I was a Titanical wreck of emotions, the news was as if my life had actually hit the mother of all icebergs.  I was pregnant to a guy who I had known for all of two minutes and was now looking at having to tell him the news while he was looking after his daughter.

I got to the car and called him - Garry was by this time used to my next day grovelling calls of "I'm sorry!"  However, this call went more like this, "you know I have been hormental!  well, I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" To which Garry laughed - yes laughed and then said No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, his following sentence was the most insensitive but funny now " I told you we should have just had bumsex!"  

Needless to say this story does have a happy ending - Garry and I are making a go of things - we are moving in together on my birthday,  even though I still have my hormonal moments and he still has his insensitive moments.  Also, the little dude is growing and so is our relationship - fingres crossed the future is looking bright as long as I stop sulking ha ha ha.

Scan Excitement x

Myself and my boyfriend went for our dating scan on Friday 16th August, I was looking forward to it A. because I was not sure of my dates - standard and B. because we would be seeing our unborn child for the first time.  I was full of expectation, would I cry, would it hurt, would I hear the heart beat, would I want to pee myself with a full bladder and a cold gel being applied to my tummy, would I see the baby move, would I be able to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl and also how Garry my boyfriend would react to seeing our baby too.  The latter was most important to me, our relationship is now very much on now - 4mths and counting and we are planning to move in together around the corner from my Mum - I am very happy.  Never been happier!

However,  being Stan I can tip myself over the edge with my exhaustible hormental mood swings which have  kicked in double time with the pregnancy.  Poor Garry!  He is great though because he just takes no notice of me - let's me vent my silly viewpoint - which by the way is very much real at the time and very stressful.  I do go into melt down.  

On Friday I had one of these episodes on our return from our scan and a lovely pub lunch.  It started like this - we got back to the house and the shadow of darkness had ascended on me on the drive home.  My problem was I had been excited in the scan and had watched Garry's response to the whole event which was one of complacency, he could literally have taken or left it.  For me it was a magical moment and for Garry it was one that he did  out of kindness, care and I would say duty as a dad and a boyfriend.  He was not the only partner displaying these symptoms, in fact the majority of the male contingency in the anti natal ward were showing signs of boredom and bemusement. 

However, I had to tell Garry about my disappointment of his non existent excitement, to which he responded with, "no - one could get as excited as you Sarah"  or words to that effect.  It's true by the way and all of us are different.  Garry has the opinion that everyone is different and that is ok and as long as they don't hurt him or anyone else, very fair.  For me, my opinion is why do people do that - that's different to me -I don't understand that, I wouldn't do that and then I develop my problems.  So in my opinion, Garry not being excited, led me to believe that he was not looking forward to this new life.  I explained this to him, to which he said, " ask Lee (my brother in law) how he felt when he went with Laura (my sister) to see Erica for the first time at their scan.  Garry appeased me, by making me realise I was being irrational expecting him to feel what I was feeling.  He is a genius at calming me down and then laughing with me at my little sulky toy out of the pram moments ie. " are you going to pretend you are asleep or are we going to sort this out?"  "Right then, I'm going downstairs!"  He must have been pissing himself instead.

The next day I skyped my sister and brother in law to ask the big question that had been planted in my brain by Garry.  On finding out that Lee had in fact been horrified by the whole experience - not only the scan but the entire pregnancy my annoyance dissolved into complete forgiveness and realisation that I had been totally unreasonable - so unlike me ha ha ha!  I felt completely stupid and called Garry  to tell him what he already knew.  The bugger!  I have been single for over five years and I am just finding out that us girls are in fact very different from you boys.  We have levels of excitement, trauma, drama, happiness and joy that you boys will never experience at the same level and I am late to the game to understand this.  In a way I feel sorry for you boys because what us girls feel is so much more heightened, especially when injected with hormental mood inducing swings.  I am also very grateful that I have met Garry whose very calm and laid back, he may not experience my high and low levels but his stillness helps me rationalise.  I don't know how he does it, my mum is the only other person I have met who can do this with me but I very grateful that he knows how to ride the waves of my emotional outbursts.. Thank you dude - that's why I love you xxx

Thank you for reading this xx

Shit I'm 40 & Pregnant

So!  I suppose from my last blog I wrote the below wish list, I had just been made redundant and Maddie my niece had entered the world.

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Get some chiddren from somewhere

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

1.Since then, I have been freelancing which is proving to be successful and I am loving it.  I am yet to get my wish tree business off the ground because my first quote for 3,000 boxes came in at £63,000.  A bit of a none starter really and scared me to death.  The idea is still in place though and I have purchased the website so I will crack it.  I am determined to get myself in Red magazine as one of those women who are self made and smug ha ha ha!  no humble........  So the list has started with a 50% hit rate at goal 1, not a bad start.


2. I am currently looking for a new home - due to circumstances, don't know where though?  Think I need to move back home, going to need my family soon.

3.  I have a new 32 year old boyfriend, who is married - his wife left him for a kurdish man but he has never divorced her - just not got round to it, Alarm bell 1.  He also has a 21 month old daughter - alarm bell 2.  However,  he is totally fit, sexy and hilarious and I think I am in love with him even though his shoes are absolutely horrendous!  If you have ever read my blog before you would know I am a bugger for judging men by their shoes choices.  Garry's shoes say - I cannot be bothered, the square toes mean he is a bit geeky - which he is and the black trainers means he is a bit of a lad - again he is.  He knows all this by the way - I am always telling him, but this is why I love him, nothing phases him.  He doesn't give a shit and actually tells me to get over myself with my middle class ways - we all know I am not middle class and it did bring on a strop!  Needless to say I will be replacing the shoes bless him  - converse xx

4.   New Dog!  I have to get the new house first

5.  New Cat!  Again it is the house thing that needs sorting first - however Garry's cat has had kittens but I want a long haired ginger tom!  I know I am the only person alive who loves ginger ha ha.

6.  I have finished my children's book - Sheila had it printed and apart from some editing it is god to go.  Any publishers out there please inbox me

7.  I am currently unto 161 tumbler followers which is about 80 more than in February so I would say I am going well with that.  Could do better if you would like to follow it is sarahjimbob.tumblr.com - very follower counts xxx

8.  Writing a sitcom at the moment - it's my fucking life.  So far I have told my sister and brother that I am pregnant, they pissed themselves laughing.  I think I could definitely get some fun out of this.

9. Get some chiddren - This was my nervous attempt to admit I wanted children, didn't even write it properly.  I also didn't want children - they are hard work, expensive, tiring and scary.  However, for some reason, Garry didn't want to use contraception and I wasn't on the pill so the inevitable has happened.  Great! Whether we want to have children or not - it's happening now.  I am two weeks pregnant and the idea is very daunting.

10.  I am currently spending every penny on the lottery and I am willing to join any syndicates.  It's going to happen - I would say that 70% of the list is already going to plan and if I calm down my boyfriend might even grow to love me back.  Fingers crossed xxx

Thanks for reading this - I wrote this on Saturday 15th June while watching my phone and constantly obsessing about my boyfriend....... will he love me or will he leave me.  Time will tell.  Love a bit of blogging...... going to post this 12 weeks later and you will be bombarded with blogs!  This is the weirdest thing to have ever happened to me, I am looking forward to taking you on my journey.


xxxx 

Imaginary Burgler

This morning I was relaxing in my bath enjoying a long soak on my own with a huge cuppa tea, you can imagine - totally bubble bath heaven. However, this tranquility lasted for all of five minutes when  I heard a loud bang and a scratch coming from outside.  Thinking, oh it must be next door I tried to dismiss the clatter going on outside and I continued to sip my tea.  However, the noises started to intensify and become more regular, naturally as you do when you are gifted with an overactive imagination, I feared an intruder so I jumped out of the bath and ran into the bedroom to look out of the window to see what was occurring.  Only to be greeted by a very smiley over friendly, even more surprised than myself, window cleaner.  "Hello love" he mouthed through my window, " just doing the windows" he said, stating the obvious.  I was so relieved that it was only him but then looked a right plank standing in my towel dripping and by this point feeling a little annoyed. These people should ask if you want your bloody windows cleaning - thats opportunism at its dizzy heights just assuming. I could have run into the bedroom naked,  he might have fallen off his ladder if I had, that would have served him right ha ha.

I am quite prone to nervous burglar scenarios.  I once locked myself in a bathroom and called the police when I thought someone was breaking into my bosses flat where I was staying on my own.  Turns out I  had dreamt about the bang and imagined the burglar.  The Police woman on the other end of the phone was lovely though and stayed on the line until her colleagues arrived.  Fortunately, it was a weekend and a eight man strong police van was around the corner patrolling the streets so within no time at all I was stood in my pj's apologising for calling them out - obviously, there was no sign of a disturbance and I had dreamt the whole thing.  How embarrassing.  It was really scary though at the time and I was petrified. How was I to know that my imagination was playing games with me.... dammit!

Moral of the story is I should learn to control my overactive imagination as it can put me into some compromising situations - standing naked in a towel is not always a good look but I do think the window cleaner got his full £5.00 worth this morning.

Thank you for tuning in.

Sarah xx

Madison Mai

Today!  Started at 4am when I found out I was an aunty again today to my brother Adam and Kate's little girl Madison Mai - Lady Maddy Mai for short.  Then I went back to bed and was rudely awaken to move my car by my mum which turned me into the grouch.  So I called my sister to make me feel better, I was greeted by three people  -  my cute nephew Archie 3, niece Erica 5 and my sister (AGE NOT TO BE DISCLOSED) all pulling faces - result cheered up! They made me smile until Archie asked me when was I going to come back to visit him in DB - Honkers Konkers.  Normally, I would say, "soon mate" and usually it would be but because I have been made redundant from my job I properly started to realise I couldn't in fact jump on a plane and go see this cute little guy who was being so sweet.  On seeing me cry like a big baby and with bags under my eyes that Gucci would die for from the sleepless night I had - he said this.  "Why are you crying old lady", to which I then realised, not only was I homeless (soon), jobless, boyfriendless, dogless, catless, childless - I was now fooking old too............. god damnit!

So what to do, answers on a postcard please! ha ha.  No I am going to write a list of what I want,  I have 12 months to make this happen.......

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Maybe foster some brats

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

Would you agree that there is a lot of change going on in my life and that it is all good because at least I have a shopping list and if I know what I want at least I have direction. Although, I have had a shitty couple of days, I have a new cheeky niece to add to the other beautiful rascals in my life.  Today feels like a new beginning - a clean slate.  I am going to make this happen.......... can't be boyfriendless, catless, dogless, jobless, homeless Aunty "Old Lady" Sarah! Frigging kids really can show you the mirror sometimes can't they.  Love you Gracie, Erica, Zachie, Part time Archie and new addition as of today Madison Mai. 

Thanks for tuning in and listening to my life - you make me smile too.

S x

New v's Old

Hi, it's been nearly a year since I last spoke to you all via my blog but I am back.  Back to have a bit of a rant actually!  I have come to realise something about myself in the last week, care of a new found friend, however my mum will tell you that she has been telling me this for years - oops! Why do we never listen to our nearest and dearest - why does it always take an outsider to show us a mirror?  That's another blog!  Anyway, I sit next to Haroon our new shoe designer and he brought to my attention my lack of tolerance for any old music i.e. musicals, 60's,70's,80's 90's .   This became apparent when in work, we each select an album of choice on spotify and I would say that on this particular day I was driven to distraction by 70% of the music.  Not only did I realise I am not a lover of Dionne Warwick but I also rock with annoyance and my tolerance levels on a scale of 1-10 is zero.  I am not particularly graceful when I cannot bear the music and I show it.    

Everyday this week we have had dreadful choices from the girls on the taste level of music and it has literally driven me over the edge.  I stooped to an all time low on Friday night while part taking in some festive drinking activity which lead to me booing the band and heckling at them from an elevated position in the bar - i.e. standing on a bar stool.  This is not very elegant or karmically pleasing behaviour on my part but I had been driven to it all week.  I can only apologise for my outrageous backlash to 1980's old tunes, it had been building up all week.  The poor girl who was singing even asked me to come over and explain my angst, she was very gracious but still carried on playing the same old shit, it was like being back in Butlins, back in the day. Don't get me wrong, I loved my childhood memories of Butlins but we live in 2012 and I was looking forward to busting some moves to Will - iam and Britney Bitch. 

Haroon thinks it is hilarious and refreshing at the same time that I live for the present and future in music and all things in life, I suppose it is a designer trait, we search for the new and exciting and as my mum would call it I become fickle with the old and past. I do love nostalgia in small bursts but my ears bleed when my step dad listens to the sound of the sixties.  Bless my mum she has to tolerate my irateness.  Thank god for the conservatory at my mums house which serves as my respite to dreary and old music that John insists on listening to regardless to my annoyance, he probably doesn't even realise know.   

All I can hope for is a lock down on BBC radio Merseyside over xmas and that certain people in the team get with the programme on the music front..... ha ha!  Each to their own I suppose, I am just glad I like what I like.  

Daydreaming! Can be a curse.......... ooops!

This afternoon while driving home from my mum's I did a bit of a detour! Bloody daydreaming at the wheel singing along to Jarmiroquai I totally missed the turning to the M62 Leeds and ended up 13 miles offa Preston. Bugger! What a complete twit!

I was dreaming up a new way of trend blogging and probably speeding because was listening to the speed demon Jamiroquai when I realised I was near Chorley (Lancashire - wrong rose county) unbloodybelievable but totally me. I am off to Paris on Wednesday with work and my friend Rebecca has been panicking about having to go with me because of my scattiness, she fears we will come a cropper somewhere! Bless her! In the week I was reassuring her I am good on a trip, she was not convinced. I generally am upbeat, quietly organised and a pleasure, I have been told, to be on a trip with, but I can sort of understand where Rebecca is coming from when the daydreaming gene kicks in.

I recently lost my way back to Liverpool three times in the same journey when on a trip with the girls from my team, this may not surprise you if you were to think I had never experienced this journey before but for you who do not know me - this is a regular occurrence. My excuse for this scatty behaviour was I had had a big night the night before - not good on reduced hours of sleep! The only other mishaps I have experienced on my journey's was, I once left my passport at the snack shop in Stockholm and missed my plane home. I have missed a flight home from Honkers because it was a midnight flight - wrong day and all that. Other than that I couldn't go to china for the day because I thought I had left my passport back at my sisters, when in fact I had my passport in my bag the whole time. I am sure the people I have travelled with, will be able to note more stannerisms - but I think these are my highest daydream moments.

I am glad I am a daydreamer but I realise that if I am to continue with this behaviour I should ensure I have a full tank of petrol, it was a very arduous task sticking to 70mph in an attempt to get home on 90 miles worth of petrol. It's times like these that make you realise where the feck is my RCA cover and what's the number! What a complete nightmare but I can laugh now!

Hope Rebecca is ready for Paris! I will try not to daydream mate!

Thanks for tuning in. Are you a daydreamer?

Stan xx

Writing a book! Where do I start? ah!

I decided to write a children's book two years again and I actually started this little extension of my career while sat on a sun lounger in Tenerife. It took me three days to pen it and an afternoon at my friends typing it up. I have even had my friend Sheila do some illustrations which are beautiful but for some reason I have not focused on this venture until this new year. Why?

I think the fear of the book not being successful has held me in a sense of immobility and so not to complete the book always leaves me in this nice place of security with an ambition that one day I could achieve success. However, if I don't try I won't fail, it takes the spin off the old saying, "you won't know until you try!" So I am challenging my fear and I am going to get out there with my book. Just a few finishing touches and a session with my lovely friend to view all the illustrations and hopefully it is going to be brilliant. I don't think I am going to be the next Jo Rowling, she is a genius. My book does have a few usp's up its sleeve though, I might even take it to the Dragon's Den.

Why do we do that? Hold our fate in suspense so we can feel hope - instead of going for it, we would achieve a lot more in a shorter amount of time. I don't understand it - further to that why do bad singers set themselves up for a fall when they stand in front of an auditorium of people to audition for x factor? They have no fear, no idea really & yet they believe they can achieve regardless to Simon Cowell's opinion. I was told today I had good self awareness, so with this in mind I am going to aim for the book to be ready by the end of January with all the merchandise. There, done it committed to it in writing. Just need to get on with it now.

What holds you in fear? Anything? Nothing? Write it down - then you can at least realise what you need to do? Then don't waste your time in suspense feel the success or failure, at least then you can say you have tried.

Thanks for tuning in - off to finish a book now.

Stan xx

Happy New Year 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year my aim is to be happy!

Going to finish my children's book, going to try and let someone into my life, going to enjoy my career and not sweat the small stuff, going to open another bank account (mum's instructions), going to visit my sister in Honkers with her mad family, going to visit my brother and his lovely family before he goes off to Afghanastan, going to have fun with my mum, going to see my friends on the Isle of Wight, going to meet my friend Di's baby - still haven't done that yet - bad friend, going to send more letters to Daphne my friends mum, going to take xmas presents to the Horspools, going to organise a lovely holiday away for me and my mum and whoever wants to come - I am going to be 40 and my mum is going to be 60, time to celebrate, going to restore furniture and sell it, going to sell beautiful things online, going to visit lots of national trust places up in Yorkshire, going to start with that and see how I get on. Hope you all have a great 2012 ahead.

P.S. Will try and update more often and find better content - 2011 was eventful hoping 2012 will be even better xx

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx

What would you do? If you won the lottery this evening!

Since moving to Yorkshire for a more inexpensive lifestyle opposed to living in the big smoke of London town I seem to have attracted more bills than ever. My solution - write a list - pay what I can afford, have a glass of wine and dream of what I would do if I were to win the lottery this very evening. I am in it to win by the way - I have bought my ticket and the numbers which I have not checked yet are

12,17,26,30,40,42 - fingers crossed!

What would I do if I were to win. Where would I start - I would rock up at my mum's tomorrow with two tickets for Tahiti where I would plan my future with a strawberry daiqurai in hand on a sun lounger. I would pay off all my bills and save all my friends & family from their bills also. Of course we would have to have a party to celebrate everyone being debt free. Wouldn't that be great when everyone is feeling the pinch of the recession. Good times!

My new career would be to run a florist with a lingerie and gift service for the lucky girls in this world to be treated by the men in their lives. I would be able to bring a smile to a lot of people's faces every day. All this would be run from my very own grand design house that I would live in with my perfect man, cat and dog! It's not much to ask really is it. I have my eyes on my lottery future. Wish me luck and let me know if you win - what would you do with your winnings! It's up to you!

Good luck everybody!

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx

you heard it first here! Bradshaw - Jones Syndrome !

The Bradshaw Jones Syndrome is an illness found in many women. We go out looking hot and aspiring to the legendary Carrie Bradshaw - for the benefit of the men who are reading this blog - she is the lead fashionista in Sex and the City. We carry off our newest trends with the maximum poise we can muster in our sky high heels and we trot off into the evening hoping to find Mr Big - or at least Mr Right for now.

However, we have a flaw in our plan to secure our Mr Big and it is one suffered by a fellow heroine Bridget Jones. Either through our association with the wineage or just blantant bridgetness we end up going home without Mr Big or Mr Darcy. We end up tucked up in bed alone thinking w.t.f happened there. Bedraggled and lacking the glamour of the previous night we wonder what did I say, what did I do, what do I do next?

There is a solution - a remedy for all women looking to escape the Bradshaw - Jones syndrome. Stay off the drink - it is evil - it strips away the glamour and reduces you to a Jones mess! Abstain from all party antics such as dancing on tables and doing the splits, this is the only way forward.

The alternative is staying with the Bradshaw - Jones syndrome, enjoying the fun and staying single. I know I am condemned to the Bradshaw - Jones way of life - but in a way I love it!

Are you a Bradshaw - Jones sufferer - good for you!

Thanks for tuning in.

Stan x

P.S. Bridgetness behaviour - can be described as locking yourself out of your house and having to sleep in the garage! This is a very rare form of bridgetness and I would never do anything like this but it can happen.

My fashion fix for the season - Isabel Marantesque boots!

I have envisioned wearing the Marant boots ever since they went down the catwalk at Paris fashion week in February. I even cut an image of them out of a magazine as a note to self - I must get these boots in my life, it is on my desk in my study, I also blogged about Rose Huntington Whiteley wearing them. So can you imagine my surprise to find these little beauties in Horbury! Not London, Paris or Milan, in Horbury which is a sleepy little village in Yorkshire. I absolutely love them, they shake, rattle and roll when you walk. This season I will mostly be wearing the skinny jean, wooly pully and the marant look fringe boots. They were also a billy bargain in comparison to the real things - the Marant boots are $2,200, mine were £100 and if I wear them over 100 times it will be a £1.00 per wear. Brilliant! Don't you think it is weird that I am trying to justify my spending, I haven't even got a boyfriend monitoring me and my shoe obsession. I can remember posting my last year boots too - obsessed but shoes do make or break an outfit. My friend bless her, was telling me yesterday that she was table top dancing in Ballet pumps and a celebrity came over to her and pointed at her shoes and basically said - she was very sexy but the shoes were very WRONG! She thought how rude but I have to agree with him ooops, ballet pumps are not a sexy shoe - sorry my lovely friend if you are reading this ha! ha!

Its really funny, if you ever read my blogs you would know I believe in the secret and the power of visualising what you want to have in your life. Think the secret has worked well in this case, I wanted the boots and believed I would have a version of. Going to visualise Hugh Jackman and hopefully that will come true too, wouldn't even mind a version of. Off to add some more images to my visual bank, can't wait for the Marant S/S 12 show. What shoes will she have for us next season.

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx

Hot Yoga with Kenneth Brannagh! x

Tonight, I went to Hot Yoga with Christina my friend and new boss at Republic. Firstly, I made the almighty mistake of wearing really sheer DKNY leggings - note to self they need to go to the charity shop as I have probably shown Christina and a class full of yoggies my bare bottom ooops! Sheerness is not always good even if they are DKNY - they have got to go - embarassing.

We thought we were going to Bikyram Yoga which I learnt tonight when done in London the room temperature is set at 105 degrees and two people have died from this practise. Grinning and laughing in the face of danger, Christina and I explained that we were practised Plankers and people die from that pass time too - so there. We showed no fear! We were out ranking our sport to the most weird Yoga instructor I have ever had the experience to meet. I used to have a cool blonde dreadlocked Yoga instructor who was brilliant and really fit but this yoga instructor looked a little like Kenneth Brannagh and practised his theatrical Yoga in the style of a Shakesperian actor. He explained to us how we could hurt ourselves if we sat up wrong, if we bent over incorrectly, if we stretched too hard on short hamstrings etc which I think I may have, he even acted out this eventuality so we really got the message (he deserved an oscar for tonights performance - he really knew how to project, bless him). It was like a health & safety thespian heated yoga session, set in what looked like a church hall on an industrial estate in Knaresborough which is in the middle on nowehere. It was truly random but great for getting rid of the cobwebs - haven't been the gym for a month and will probably ache tomorrow but was quietly surprised how flexible I still am, maybe that was the benefit of having the heat from the fan heaters strategically placed around the hall. Bless, the Yorkshire Yoga Centre is run on a shoestring and at the beginning of the session we were all asked if we would volunteer to do the admin for the classes. Christina was supervising me so I did not volunteer my services - I was up for it if it was simply writing a few names down but they wanted you to commit to 2 hours every Monday, never really going to happen, I never know from week to the next what I am doing! Maybe I need to find focus after my yoga lesson and start settling down, we shall see!

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx

SARAH! SARAH! SARAH! TO YOUR LEFT!

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to go to a London Fashion week event at the new Stratford Westfield which is adjascent to the Olympic Village(impressive - even though only half built). It was the Look Magazine catwalk show for the high street, so I went as Babara Horspool's (New Look's Trend Director) guest. She is my old boss and the competition but still it meant I got to go and rub shoulders with celebrities such as Amy Winehouse's niece who has an amazing voice and sip champagne from a pop bottle which is always a bonus.

So we were all arrived at the venue after about a hundred speed bumps later feeling a little car sick and then had to fight our way through the stronghold of people queuing to get into Primarni. It was our idea of hell but we pushed through and entered the land of the sane on the second floor, it was total mayhem. On arriving, I was accosted by one of the photographers for my photo, a journo took down all my vital statistics and I spent the next two seconds posing for the camera. You have no idea how good it feels when the paps do that because it levitates you to this world that you know only the celebs get - so yes I was buzzing. You can only imagine the grin, so sad really!

With my inflated ego and champagne in hand I joined the green room and scanned the area for trends and celeb spotting, I love a bit of a celeb even if it is only Mandy from Eastenders - bit nerdy like that, it's like my Where's Wally of the fashion world. We were then ushered into the show and I strutted off in front of everyone - obviously still inflated and thinking I was the trendy wendy of the event. Then I heard it - it came thick and fast. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, look left, look right, sarah................ I looked round only to see Sarah Harding with an orange barnet pulling off all sorts of sexy shapes - gutted. I thought the Paps were shouting for me to pull off some shapes - ha ha! How the ego deflated, which was probably good don't really suit that look anyway.

Off I went deflated to my perch on the catwalk, spilt champagne all over me and enjoyed every minute of the catwalk as the photographers were hilarious, they hardly took any photo's and were rude about the models as if they were some sort of models themselves - love people watching.

On the way out we saw Danny Dyer which was extremely nice and even had to have a photo with him bless him! Mobbed by the New look entourage, it was good to see them all again.

Thanks for tuning in.

Stan with a big head! Sorry, not a good look!

S xx

Raleigh International - Mauritius 93F

When I was twenty years old I was lucky enough to go on an expedition to Mauritius for three months. While there I kayaked around the island, built a bridge across the Black River Gorge in ten days, monitored and recorded the behaviours of Noddy Birds, Skinks and Rodrigian Fruit Bats. I deseeded a whole load of plants which were not indigenous to the Island and I also ringed Noddy birds by catching them in a net. It was an amazing experience but it was also traumatic. You see when a bird flies into a net as you can imagine, it would poop itself, as you do - so yes it was a very messy task & slightly dangerous. They are also very protective over their young and so we had to wear hard hats to protect us from the dive bombing birds which attacked us on a daily basis.

It was great being so close to the animals and we got the chance to go on Round Island which is one of Gerrard Darrel's project islands. However, I did make one big bad mistake while on my expedition. I was sent out at 6am and told to look for the first skink and then monitor his or her behaviour all day. So the first one I saw ran under a rock and stayed there until 6pm when my fellow team member came to relieve me and take over the task of monitoring this skinks behaviour for yet another 12 hours. I laughed and joked how this skink had just sat under the rock and even lifted the rock to show my fellow mate that it was still there. Then it happened, this rare species was squashed when in my fit of laughter over my complete waste of a day and my shocking sun burn I lost grip of the rock and dropped it on the poor unsuspecting creature ooops! I felt awful and as you can imagine a fit of crying and laughing quickly followed, we promptly set about finding another skink which is not as easy as you would think.

Karma did bite me back on the arse though! On my way to Round Island I had felt sorry for my fellow team member who was being sea sick down below deck. So to try and help her I went to hold her bucket and hair back from her face. That is probably the worst thing you could ever do - note to self look at the horizon and ignore the sicky person or suffer the same fate. I quickly followed suit and at our final destination both myself and this poor little Chinese girl needed Adrenalin shots to try and get us up and running after losing half our body weight in fluid - sorry about the detail. Anyway, while being given injections and one of those awful replacement drinks my team members were unloading my kit bag on the boat and put a water but in my bag which was strapped to my back and I instructed to make my way up the mountain in my flip flops to the campsite. Amazingly no - one thought to bring my sleeping bag, clothes or boots, all was left on the boat which had returned to the main island and when radioed the cheeky thieving Mauritian dudes said they couldn't find it. I had to sleep in a bivvy bag which is made of plastic which made we sweat, then I got cold because I was lying in wetness which then went to my kidneys and then I had to be air lifted off the island because I had a kidney infection. Bad! I don't remember it all because I was a bit delirious and woke up on the main land in the medic camp. That's what you call karma, kill a skink end up in hospital!

Apart from that had a brilliant time with a lot of bumps and bruises. Would definitely recommend!

Thanks for tuning in

Stan x

The Secret! x

"Do not expect others to behave in a way, so you will be happy. Release yourself forevermore & know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice no matter what anyone else is doing!"

I went on a trip to Turkey a couple of years ago and poured my heart out to one of my friends about how I hadn't found happiness and felt like I was on a constant treadmill of never achieving all the time. She asked me had I ever heard of the book called "The Secret". I hadn't and for a while I thought it was a Catherine Cookson novel. I found "The Secret" after a long search in a book shop with my niece in Heswall, it was unfortunate that she had just hit her head on bookshelf and was screaming the place down when the sales assistant handed me my very first copy - I have since given away two of my own. It had been in the back of my mind for at least six months whether I should indulge in this book of wisdom - I kept thinking can this be true, can a book really deliver a better life. I doubted it and kept myself in a state of denial and paralysed to move forward. On reading "The Secret" my life changed to be stronger, more focused and defiantly more positive. My friends started to read the book of the back of my positivity and the shift in my behaviour. I now have the dvd, my best friend bought it for me for my birthday, you see you have to share "The Secret" and it will always come back to you.

My friends are now either big fans of "The Secret" or without knowing have the power of the secret manifested in their behaviour already - I take my hat of to them, they know who they are. My friend Mika, who lead me to "The Secret" meet her now husband when she was feeling a bit homesick in Shanghai, she went to a film opening and met her soul mate at the premier - he woowed her, writing her love letters from England and now she is the proud mother of their first child. She married a superstar and she herself is brilliant, she has been my inspiration since reading "The Secret" - not because she married a famous person but because she mastered the secret, she made it work for her. I have made the secret work for me to an extent that I have the home and the job I have always wanted but I still want my soul mate so I have some way to go yet and need to learn that I deserve a man who loves me for who I am. I first need to love myself and make myself happy as the quote says at the beginning of this blog. So I have put my favourite cheeky photo of me at the very top, because this year I have started to love me and that is one massive achievement. If you can write "I love me" on a bit of paper never mind a blog then you deserve to be loved. I hope you find "The Secret" - I hope you love yourself because any other energy is a wasted one. Look within and take control - choose to be happy. I apologise if I have sounded like a book sales rep but it is good, try it.

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx

Would you date these shoes! x

If I was to walk into the Dragon's den this would be one of my ideas. I have had the idea for a couple of years now but just wouldn't know where to start so if you could help me - I would really appreciate it.

I would run a dating website called www.wouldyoudatetheseshoes.com for the simple reason that a person's shoes can teach you a lot about their personality. When looking for a soulmate the first thing you should look at is their personality, so look at their shoes. Think about it - a man or a woman wearing Converse are cool - their shoes say cool and their music taste is probably Indie. If he is wearing square toed shoes, he is probably square.

Men who wear square toed shoes are trapped in a past era that they started wearing that shape shoe - they are school shoes and a square toe means a square personality. The girl how would be attracted to this man would wear a square or almond toed shoe - with a sensible heel. Both would probably be in jobs that bare a lot of responsibility.

A stan smith trainer says I have a council estate upbringing - but I may have escaped it because I still chose to wear them & I am reminiscent of my roots or just can't change. The girl who would date this man would wear a stan smith equivalent (or the Ugg) in the day but she would wear a killer heel to impress.

A brogue means Oxford upbringing or the equivalent. However, a man that wears a brogue like to think they have a certain sense of style like the Italians - they will probably have been to uni and see themselves as achievers. The girl who would date this man would wear a ballet pump in the day and a kitten heel to impress. This would be the William & Kate catergory.

A man wearing a Merrel should be retired! What are these shoes about? Why would you - they are comfortable, boring and retiring. A girl who would date this man would be a croc wearer - she has given up on fashion and wants a comfortable life, alternatives would be those trainers that tone your legs when you walk. This is the ugly shoe catergory.

A flip flop man - like to feel at ease, comfortable in his own skin, adventurous and ready to relax at any spare moment. A fellow flip flop girl would date a flip flop man, they are at ease with their unisex dressing.

I know this is a business idea that probably would work but I need the help so I am sending this idea out to the universe and if anyone has any great ideas of how to start this venture, get in touch. By the way I would love to date a converse shoe wearer!

Thanks for tuning in

Stan xx