It's over!

Well what can I say, the last blog I wrote I told you about Garry and I moving in together and hoping that our relationship would grow alongside our little dude.

The Tuesday before the Sunday we were about to move in together, he was due to come over to my house.  The day before he had played absent boyfriend, being the sarcastic bugger that I am I had sent him a text saying
 "Are you on boyfriend strike today?  No texts, or phone calls.  It's not a part time time vacancy"
to which no response for a further hour just to piss me off even further and feed my insecurities, to which he put down to me being hormental & pregnant. To which I cried and apologised and he said it's ok sausage.

The Tuesday phone conversation unveiled that I had not in fact been hormental at all, I had picked up on a distance which had not been there before.  He called me to tell me he wouldn't be coming over and was unsure whether he wanted to move in with me.  I had been concerned that Garry had a daughter he would miss and had been ill so was constantly asking if he was ok with moving in, to which he even wrote a text saying don't worry, it will all be ok once we are moved in.

It totally threw me and I immediately pushed him away.  Later in the week I tried to communicate with him to understand where this had all come from.  I won't go into this, it's too personal but needless to say, I am none the wiser.

What has hurt me most is, I thought I was falling in love with someone who has turned out to be someone else.  I have lost all trust and respect for him which hurts me more than it probably hurts him.  I have lost a friend,  a laughing partner and I have lost a man I thought I was going to share our new babies life with.

However, I have gained a lot more though in this, I have found a new level of respect for myself.  I have found inner strength I never knew I had, I have discovered a whole higher level of support from my family and friends who have been amazing and I have discovered that happiness is an inside job that only you can fulfil.  I have been enriched by this experience and in a way I thank him, because if this had not happened I could have allowed him to tap into my insecurities and would never have discovered all this richness in my life without him.  I would have continued to pour all my energies into finding happiness for him in his new home and in his well being.  This experience has encouraged me to look after myself and our baby, not him, which I was trying to do.

I know I have moments were I completely tear up and think we won't share our son together but I know our son will be happy because we won't be making each other unhappy. I am happier now knowing what I know and carrying on making plans for me and the little dude with the people who do want to be in my life. There is a path that is laid out for each of us so there is no point trying to change its course, what is for us won't go by us.  Trust that good things will come and let go of the things that make you unhappy.  I know this blog is a bit sad & raw but I will make you laugh next time I promise.  Sarah Milligan the comedian thanked her ex husband for falling out of love with her because without the divorce she never would have found the strength to become who she is today.  I believe things happen for a reason and know both me and the little dude have a great future ahead of us.

Thanks for reading and thank you to all my family and friends who have been my rock in the last couple of weeks.

S xxx

Do you want to just pee in this pot for me?

The days leading up to discovering I was pregnant were quite rocky to say the least.  Just a month or so into our relationship, I was pushing Garry away because guess what!?  I really, really liked him - so I was doing my ultimate best to test him, the push you away but will you stay test.  I think you girls will know what I am talking about but you guys will probably think - you idiots!  However, when you start a new relationship you feel insecure, emotional, vulnerable and a little bit crazy, because you have made yourself previously so positive, independent, strong, focused and happy.  Then someone else comes into the equation and suddenly rocks your confidence, you ask yourself - will he like me, when all you have been doing previously is saying I like me.  Also, you realise that you could be even happier than you have been alone and if that's taken away from you, you suddenly feel very vulnerable - hence the self protecting that kicks in.  In my case, push him away and then I am in control and not so vulnerable  - obviously!  

However, coupled with this vulnerability of the new budding relationship, I was also very hormental.  Unbeknown to me I was actually pregnant, however, I thought my thyroid was broken so I had taken myself off to see my doctor to get my levels checked.  I was feeling so strung out I went to see my mum, lucky her!  I rocked up at her house and ranted, stomped and raged and eventually cried.  I cannot tell why - not because it's a secret, but because I cannot remember what it was that had me so stressed out.  It is of no importance now though because all is forgotten, but I am sure my mum will be able to tell you that I was a complete pain in the arse that day.  Unconsolable and emotional and we put it down to me going through a redundancy three months previously.  We bought cream cakes to cheer us up and it worked too.

The following week Garry came to stay with me, initially everything was great, I had missed him, we had had a chat and I was feeling better about us and we had a good couple of days together. However, the time came for Garry to go back home and the mist of dome descended on me.  I started to sulk again - I don't remember why! but Garry has since told me that is not my best look and that I stop looking pretty when I sulk so I shouldn't do it.  He is stating a fact here, not being harsh, for years Barbara one of  my best friend has been comparing my sulky face to Frank from Shameless - it really isn't my best look.  

Garry left me that evening under the shadow of me saying "that's it, its over!".  The cheeky scamp, was not even phased, as this was not the first time he had heard this phrase and just left me sulking while he chuckled off to his car knowing that I was making something out of nothing.  I even saw him smirking as he walked off, but I was just as adamant that it was no laughing matter - it was over!  I was a complete nightmare that day to Garry and he just paid no notice to my mardiness as he had  realised that I had started a pattern of events and by the following week - all would be resolved and  we would again have a nice couple of days just until he was due to go home.......

The following day,  true to form I did not contact Garry, still in sulk mode I took myself off to the doctors to find out the results of my Thyroid test, this could resolve the mood swings if my Thyroid was imbalanced as it tampers with my hormones.  The doctor who saw me that morning was not to know what was about to be unleashed on her.   I had been watching Denise Welch on Lorraine talking about her struggle with depression.  I empathised with Denise and this set the pace of my visit to the doctors, I told her how erratic I had been, how I was up and down emotionally, how I had been pushing Garry away and eventually how at the age of 40, I had been having sex without contraception which was totally out of control and out of character for me.  I spiralled into a tearful snotty mess and she consoled me a box of tissues and then asked the question "when is your next period", my shocked blubbering response to this was, "it should have started two days ago but it usually turns up!"    Not really taking in the enormity of her question she then asked me to go and pee in this cup, as my thyroid was not in fact broken and my hormone imbalance could be due to me being up the duff!  

I was horrified how quickly she discovered the positive outcome.  I had never ever taken a pregnancy test in my life and immediately burst into a torrential flood of tears.  I was a Titanical wreck of emotions, the news was as if my life had actually hit the mother of all icebergs.  I was pregnant to a guy who I had known for all of two minutes and was now looking at having to tell him the news while he was looking after his daughter.

I got to the car and called him - Garry was by this time used to my next day grovelling calls of "I'm sorry!"  However, this call went more like this, "you know I have been hormental!  well, I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" To which Garry laughed - yes laughed and then said No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, his following sentence was the most insensitive but funny now " I told you we should have just had bumsex!"  

Needless to say this story does have a happy ending - Garry and I are making a go of things - we are moving in together on my birthday,  even though I still have my hormonal moments and he still has his insensitive moments.  Also, the little dude is growing and so is our relationship - fingres crossed the future is looking bright as long as I stop sulking ha ha ha.

Scan Excitement x

Myself and my boyfriend went for our dating scan on Friday 16th August, I was looking forward to it A. because I was not sure of my dates - standard and B. because we would be seeing our unborn child for the first time.  I was full of expectation, would I cry, would it hurt, would I hear the heart beat, would I want to pee myself with a full bladder and a cold gel being applied to my tummy, would I see the baby move, would I be able to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl and also how Garry my boyfriend would react to seeing our baby too.  The latter was most important to me, our relationship is now very much on now - 4mths and counting and we are planning to move in together around the corner from my Mum - I am very happy.  Never been happier!

However,  being Stan I can tip myself over the edge with my exhaustible hormental mood swings which have  kicked in double time with the pregnancy.  Poor Garry!  He is great though because he just takes no notice of me - let's me vent my silly viewpoint - which by the way is very much real at the time and very stressful.  I do go into melt down.  

On Friday I had one of these episodes on our return from our scan and a lovely pub lunch.  It started like this - we got back to the house and the shadow of darkness had ascended on me on the drive home.  My problem was I had been excited in the scan and had watched Garry's response to the whole event which was one of complacency, he could literally have taken or left it.  For me it was a magical moment and for Garry it was one that he did  out of kindness, care and I would say duty as a dad and a boyfriend.  He was not the only partner displaying these symptoms, in fact the majority of the male contingency in the anti natal ward were showing signs of boredom and bemusement. 

However, I had to tell Garry about my disappointment of his non existent excitement, to which he responded with, "no - one could get as excited as you Sarah"  or words to that effect.  It's true by the way and all of us are different.  Garry has the opinion that everyone is different and that is ok and as long as they don't hurt him or anyone else, very fair.  For me, my opinion is why do people do that - that's different to me -I don't understand that, I wouldn't do that and then I develop my problems.  So in my opinion, Garry not being excited, led me to believe that he was not looking forward to this new life.  I explained this to him, to which he said, " ask Lee (my brother in law) how he felt when he went with Laura (my sister) to see Erica for the first time at their scan.  Garry appeased me, by making me realise I was being irrational expecting him to feel what I was feeling.  He is a genius at calming me down and then laughing with me at my little sulky toy out of the pram moments ie. " are you going to pretend you are asleep or are we going to sort this out?"  "Right then, I'm going downstairs!"  He must have been pissing himself instead.

The next day I skyped my sister and brother in law to ask the big question that had been planted in my brain by Garry.  On finding out that Lee had in fact been horrified by the whole experience - not only the scan but the entire pregnancy my annoyance dissolved into complete forgiveness and realisation that I had been totally unreasonable - so unlike me ha ha ha!  I felt completely stupid and called Garry  to tell him what he already knew.  The bugger!  I have been single for over five years and I am just finding out that us girls are in fact very different from you boys.  We have levels of excitement, trauma, drama, happiness and joy that you boys will never experience at the same level and I am late to the game to understand this.  In a way I feel sorry for you boys because what us girls feel is so much more heightened, especially when injected with hormental mood inducing swings.  I am also very grateful that I have met Garry whose very calm and laid back, he may not experience my high and low levels but his stillness helps me rationalise.  I don't know how he does it, my mum is the only other person I have met who can do this with me but I very grateful that he knows how to ride the waves of my emotional outbursts.. Thank you dude - that's why I love you xxx

Thank you for reading this xx

Shit I'm 40 & Pregnant

So!  I suppose from my last blog I wrote the below wish list, I had just been made redundant and Maddie my niece had entered the world.

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Get some chiddren from somewhere

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

1.Since then, I have been freelancing which is proving to be successful and I am loving it.  I am yet to get my wish tree business off the ground because my first quote for 3,000 boxes came in at £63,000.  A bit of a none starter really and scared me to death.  The idea is still in place though and I have purchased the website so I will crack it.  I am determined to get myself in Red magazine as one of those women who are self made and smug ha ha ha!  no humble........  So the list has started with a 50% hit rate at goal 1, not a bad start.


2. I am currently looking for a new home - due to circumstances, don't know where though?  Think I need to move back home, going to need my family soon.

3.  I have a new 32 year old boyfriend, who is married - his wife left him for a kurdish man but he has never divorced her - just not got round to it, Alarm bell 1.  He also has a 21 month old daughter - alarm bell 2.  However,  he is totally fit, sexy and hilarious and I think I am in love with him even though his shoes are absolutely horrendous!  If you have ever read my blog before you would know I am a bugger for judging men by their shoes choices.  Garry's shoes say - I cannot be bothered, the square toes mean he is a bit geeky - which he is and the black trainers means he is a bit of a lad - again he is.  He knows all this by the way - I am always telling him, but this is why I love him, nothing phases him.  He doesn't give a shit and actually tells me to get over myself with my middle class ways - we all know I am not middle class and it did bring on a strop!  Needless to say I will be replacing the shoes bless him  - converse xx

4.   New Dog!  I have to get the new house first

5.  New Cat!  Again it is the house thing that needs sorting first - however Garry's cat has had kittens but I want a long haired ginger tom!  I know I am the only person alive who loves ginger ha ha.

6.  I have finished my children's book - Sheila had it printed and apart from some editing it is god to go.  Any publishers out there please inbox me

7.  I am currently unto 161 tumbler followers which is about 80 more than in February so I would say I am going well with that.  Could do better if you would like to follow it is sarahjimbob.tumblr.com - very follower counts xxx

8.  Writing a sitcom at the moment - it's my fucking life.  So far I have told my sister and brother that I am pregnant, they pissed themselves laughing.  I think I could definitely get some fun out of this.

9. Get some chiddren - This was my nervous attempt to admit I wanted children, didn't even write it properly.  I also didn't want children - they are hard work, expensive, tiring and scary.  However, for some reason, Garry didn't want to use contraception and I wasn't on the pill so the inevitable has happened.  Great! Whether we want to have children or not - it's happening now.  I am two weeks pregnant and the idea is very daunting.

10.  I am currently spending every penny on the lottery and I am willing to join any syndicates.  It's going to happen - I would say that 70% of the list is already going to plan and if I calm down my boyfriend might even grow to love me back.  Fingers crossed xxx

Thanks for reading this - I wrote this on Saturday 15th June while watching my phone and constantly obsessing about my boyfriend....... will he love me or will he leave me.  Time will tell.  Love a bit of blogging...... going to post this 12 weeks later and you will be bombarded with blogs!  This is the weirdest thing to have ever happened to me, I am looking forward to taking you on my journey.


xxxx 

Imaginary Burgler

This morning I was relaxing in my bath enjoying a long soak on my own with a huge cuppa tea, you can imagine - totally bubble bath heaven. However, this tranquility lasted for all of five minutes when  I heard a loud bang and a scratch coming from outside.  Thinking, oh it must be next door I tried to dismiss the clatter going on outside and I continued to sip my tea.  However, the noises started to intensify and become more regular, naturally as you do when you are gifted with an overactive imagination, I feared an intruder so I jumped out of the bath and ran into the bedroom to look out of the window to see what was occurring.  Only to be greeted by a very smiley over friendly, even more surprised than myself, window cleaner.  "Hello love" he mouthed through my window, " just doing the windows" he said, stating the obvious.  I was so relieved that it was only him but then looked a right plank standing in my towel dripping and by this point feeling a little annoyed. These people should ask if you want your bloody windows cleaning - thats opportunism at its dizzy heights just assuming. I could have run into the bedroom naked,  he might have fallen off his ladder if I had, that would have served him right ha ha.

I am quite prone to nervous burglar scenarios.  I once locked myself in a bathroom and called the police when I thought someone was breaking into my bosses flat where I was staying on my own.  Turns out I  had dreamt about the bang and imagined the burglar.  The Police woman on the other end of the phone was lovely though and stayed on the line until her colleagues arrived.  Fortunately, it was a weekend and a eight man strong police van was around the corner patrolling the streets so within no time at all I was stood in my pj's apologising for calling them out - obviously, there was no sign of a disturbance and I had dreamt the whole thing.  How embarrassing.  It was really scary though at the time and I was petrified. How was I to know that my imagination was playing games with me.... dammit!

Moral of the story is I should learn to control my overactive imagination as it can put me into some compromising situations - standing naked in a towel is not always a good look but I do think the window cleaner got his full £5.00 worth this morning.

Thank you for tuning in.

Sarah xx

Madison Mai

Today!  Started at 4am when I found out I was an aunty again today to my brother Adam and Kate's little girl Madison Mai - Lady Maddy Mai for short.  Then I went back to bed and was rudely awaken to move my car by my mum which turned me into the grouch.  So I called my sister to make me feel better, I was greeted by three people  -  my cute nephew Archie 3, niece Erica 5 and my sister (AGE NOT TO BE DISCLOSED) all pulling faces - result cheered up! They made me smile until Archie asked me when was I going to come back to visit him in DB - Honkers Konkers.  Normally, I would say, "soon mate" and usually it would be but because I have been made redundant from my job I properly started to realise I couldn't in fact jump on a plane and go see this cute little guy who was being so sweet.  On seeing me cry like a big baby and with bags under my eyes that Gucci would die for from the sleepless night I had - he said this.  "Why are you crying old lady", to which I then realised, not only was I homeless (soon), jobless, boyfriendless, dogless, catless, childless - I was now fooking old too............. god damnit!

So what to do, answers on a postcard please! ha ha.  No I am going to write a list of what I want,  I have 12 months to make this happen.......

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Maybe foster some brats

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

Would you agree that there is a lot of change going on in my life and that it is all good because at least I have a shopping list and if I know what I want at least I have direction. Although, I have had a shitty couple of days, I have a new cheeky niece to add to the other beautiful rascals in my life.  Today feels like a new beginning - a clean slate.  I am going to make this happen.......... can't be boyfriendless, catless, dogless, jobless, homeless Aunty "Old Lady" Sarah! Frigging kids really can show you the mirror sometimes can't they.  Love you Gracie, Erica, Zachie, Part time Archie and new addition as of today Madison Mai. 

Thanks for tuning in and listening to my life - you make me smile too.

S x

New v's Old

Hi, it's been nearly a year since I last spoke to you all via my blog but I am back.  Back to have a bit of a rant actually!  I have come to realise something about myself in the last week, care of a new found friend, however my mum will tell you that she has been telling me this for years - oops! Why do we never listen to our nearest and dearest - why does it always take an outsider to show us a mirror?  That's another blog!  Anyway, I sit next to Haroon our new shoe designer and he brought to my attention my lack of tolerance for any old music i.e. musicals, 60's,70's,80's 90's .   This became apparent when in work, we each select an album of choice on spotify and I would say that on this particular day I was driven to distraction by 70% of the music.  Not only did I realise I am not a lover of Dionne Warwick but I also rock with annoyance and my tolerance levels on a scale of 1-10 is zero.  I am not particularly graceful when I cannot bear the music and I show it.    

Everyday this week we have had dreadful choices from the girls on the taste level of music and it has literally driven me over the edge.  I stooped to an all time low on Friday night while part taking in some festive drinking activity which lead to me booing the band and heckling at them from an elevated position in the bar - i.e. standing on a bar stool.  This is not very elegant or karmically pleasing behaviour on my part but I had been driven to it all week.  I can only apologise for my outrageous backlash to 1980's old tunes, it had been building up all week.  The poor girl who was singing even asked me to come over and explain my angst, she was very gracious but still carried on playing the same old shit, it was like being back in Butlins, back in the day. Don't get me wrong, I loved my childhood memories of Butlins but we live in 2012 and I was looking forward to busting some moves to Will - iam and Britney Bitch. 

Haroon thinks it is hilarious and refreshing at the same time that I live for the present and future in music and all things in life, I suppose it is a designer trait, we search for the new and exciting and as my mum would call it I become fickle with the old and past. I do love nostalgia in small bursts but my ears bleed when my step dad listens to the sound of the sixties.  Bless my mum she has to tolerate my irateness.  Thank god for the conservatory at my mums house which serves as my respite to dreary and old music that John insists on listening to regardless to my annoyance, he probably doesn't even realise know.   

All I can hope for is a lock down on BBC radio Merseyside over xmas and that certain people in the team get with the programme on the music front..... ha ha!  Each to their own I suppose, I am just glad I like what I like.