I've changed!!!!!!!!

This is me dancing on a table, aged 40 on hollybobs in Falaraki August 2012, how my life has changed in the last twelve months.  I was dancing away and loving life with the girlies, we were full to the brim of vodka and sunburnt from the day of lounging by the pool, little did I know what was round the corner.  Had I known then what I know now I would have partied longer, stayed out later and laughed louder!   Not that I did a bad job of enjoying myself but little did I know it would be my last girlie holiday like that one.  We had a brilliant time, flirting, dancing, sunbathing, behaving badly and drinking our own body weight in alcohol.  I imagined that life would just continue to stay forever that way, having my freedom, dancing with cute guys and having a ball with my friends.  Although I wished for love to come into my life, I didn't for one moment think that it would happen as it has, nor did I think that I would be pregnant with my first and only child a year on.

Since that holiday, I have flown on Kasakhstan airlines from Hong Kong to the UK - a  truly momentous time in my life I can assure you, met some amazing people, been made redundant, started my own freelance design business, had a brief relationship and created a little life that I am currently carrying.  He is at this moment dancing like his mummy in my tummy, how things have changed.

My Saturday nights no longer consist of dancing and drinking, they now revolve around a boiling kettle keeping me in tea which has become a  substitute to the wine intake that I had grown accustomed to.  Tonight, I am babysitting my gorgeous niece and practising my go to sleep techniques which surprisingly I am winning on and no calpol has been added so far, just the simple application of a  singing bear and a bit of T.L.C. from Aunty Sarah - DONE!  Don't get me wrong, my luck has played a blinder tonight and I know there will be nights when I will long for my party time but for tonight I am basking  in my baby whisperer powers.  No Adam! (smug brother), you cannot piss all over my strawberries by saying this is a one off - I have the sleep touch and I am going to use it.

I would normally have been dancing around Didsbury or London Town with my friends in their playgrounds of The Met and Shoreditch House but those days are gone for a while at least and a new chapter is starting for me.  There are pro's and con's to my ever changing lifestyle,  a con would be I miss my friends and dancing until all hours.  However, the wind and rain outside are assuring me that I am not missing out on the long waits for a taxi home.  I am filled with an inner feeling of smugness when Kate and Adam rock up from their night out in Chester and have battled the wet and cold to find a cash machine to pay their parking fees.  In the meantime I have been all cosy and melting in front of the TV while overseeing a brand new life sleeping in front of me whilst another kicks his way out of my tummy.  They have their days of dancing in front of them - I hope I don't embarrass them too much when I try to show them how it's done ha ha ha!  I know these quiet days will have their window in my life but I know I will get back to my old antics one day - maybe not to the same extent, I don't think I could do the Sambuca's anymore but I will welcome the evening I get back in my gladrags and have a cheeky wine or three with the girls.

I know that I have a lot of change going on from my former playtime days but staying in and nurturing two little loved ones is worth changing for.  I am extremely happy and feel very blessed. Thank you to everyone who told me I would feel that way - you know who you are and I do listen sometimes.  It is a very different experience but one I am loving.

Thank you for reading my blog - you all make me smile with your lovely comments.

Sarah x

Not the sexiest moment in life

When you become pregnant, people say how fantastic,  the best time of your life, such an amazing feeling.  I am starting to think it possibly is as well, I have been exceptionally lucky, no morning sickness, no fads, minimal mood swings considering my life has been on a roller coaster to rival any from Disneyland, neat little bump so far but growing at a speed of knots per day so know he is healthy and happy in there and no health scares.  I have been carrying really well.

However,  being a fashion designer and having been a size 10 most of my life, I have found the complexities of both my changing body shape and my resistance to even progress to maternity wear quite appauling really.

First came the boobs - from day one they became extremely sensitive and itched like crazy.  The biggest surprise to me was the change in my beautiful little twenty pence piece size nipples increasing to the size of a two pound coin, shocker.  I knew my boobs would have to grow to accommodate the milk - oh yes that attractive thought of me becoming a human dairy exporter. What I didn't expect was that the baby would need a bigger target to aim at for feeding time, what is that all about?  The baby is going to have 20/20 vision, no problem visualising the bullseye, why does this happen?  I prefer my small marble ball size nipples they were far more aesthetically pleasing to the tennis ball size nipples I am now bound to have.  What I need to know is will my nipples retract into their former selves or will I end up with medium ping pong sized nipples.  I do apologise for the ball references I am dumbfounded how a pair of balls got me into this mess in the first place, it's all very relevant.

Secondly, my flat stomach is now protruding so much so  that today I looked down at my naked self and could not see my phouff - (lady garden) to those not familiar with the word phouff!  Not even sure if I have spelt it correctly but I could not see it - dammit!  Not that I stand looking at my phouff on a daily basis or in fact need to for any reason but why would the divine maker of creation think, I know women should give birth and for nine months of their lives I am going to piss on their strawberries by making them as fat as a house with a medicine size ball belly and tennis ball size nipples.  Is it because the divine creator  is a man and doesn't get to enjoy the nurturing of feeling his unborn child kick and grow inside him and says balls to you I am going to call it mother nature and screw you over by turning you into a weeble shape?!!!!!

To make matters worse, Marks & Spencer create the most ugly bras for women who have bigger boobs.  I am used to triangular lace pretty numbers in gorgeous colours and contrast boudoir bows, very "sex in the city" Carrie Bradshawesque.  I was horrified when I went to M&S to do the right thing for the protection of the future of my boobs, I was advised to get the above bra. I adhere to Helena Christensen's advice for a pert breast that you should always wear a great bra.  I love lingerie and I  agree with her and a matching set always makes you feel that extra bit sexier!  However,  the bolstier holder without any underwire to help prevent your milk ducts from being blocked up and to give you extra support with it's built up straps was not to my liking so much so I pissed myself laughing at the assistant in the shop and told her "No"!  She won me over and I bought one in white, luckily my boyfriend and I split up so he never got to see the unsexiest day of my life ha ha ha and I unfortunately washed it with some jeans and it turned grey..... I had to throw it away, damn that washing machine he he he.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy being pregnant, I have a superpower of growing a baby inside me, not everyone gets the pleasure and I know I am blessed, I am purely stating facts not moaning. I still feel sexy as long as cars driving by still beepy beep me from behind ha ha! suckers and I still wear reasonably sexy underwear that does not represent a scaffolding company. Why should pregnancy carry such ugly complexities?  I know that pregnancy is just a window of nine months in my life because my mum keeps reminding me but it could come with less body altering factors such as stretch marks - which by the way I am basting myself up in bio oil on a daily basis to prevent, constipation, breathlessness - I mean how unattractive is that? and cankles which again I am not going to have, I refuse!  This is all before the baby, delightful!  I am sure the ugly factor will step up a level in childbirth and yet everyone keeps telling me how beautiful the whole process is.  I can feel the little dude kicking my internal organs now doing untold damage - how is his exit from me going to be pretty...... I am not convinced, the jury is out on that one.

I need all your beauty top tips please and instead of baby grows and toys can you please all club together for a weekend at Babington House for me, I think I am going to need some Spa treatments when the little man arrives.  Not selfish of me at all, I have been substituting buying my wine for avent milk bottles and muslin cloths, I am making personal sacrifices for my very loved little dude.  I am sure I will feel sexy and gorgeous again one day.  I will definitely glow with pride when I meet him, maybe that's what everyone is chatting about.

Thanks for reading and I always love to hear you enjoy my blog - it makes me smile.

Sarah xx

It's over!

Well what can I say, the last blog I wrote I told you about Garry and I moving in together and hoping that our relationship would grow alongside our little dude.

The Tuesday before the Sunday we were about to move in together, he was due to come over to my house.  The day before he had played absent boyfriend, being the sarcastic bugger that I am I had sent him a text saying
 "Are you on boyfriend strike today?  No texts, or phone calls.  It's not a part time time vacancy"
to which no response for a further hour just to piss me off even further and feed my insecurities, to which he put down to me being hormental & pregnant. To which I cried and apologised and he said it's ok sausage.

The Tuesday phone conversation unveiled that I had not in fact been hormental at all, I had picked up on a distance which had not been there before.  He called me to tell me he wouldn't be coming over and was unsure whether he wanted to move in with me.  I had been concerned that Garry had a daughter he would miss and had been ill so was constantly asking if he was ok with moving in, to which he even wrote a text saying don't worry, it will all be ok once we are moved in.

It totally threw me and I immediately pushed him away.  Later in the week I tried to communicate with him to understand where this had all come from.  I won't go into this, it's too personal but needless to say, I am none the wiser.

What has hurt me most is, I thought I was falling in love with someone who has turned out to be someone else.  I have lost all trust and respect for him which hurts me more than it probably hurts him.  I have lost a friend,  a laughing partner and I have lost a man I thought I was going to share our new babies life with.

However, I have gained a lot more though in this, I have found a new level of respect for myself.  I have found inner strength I never knew I had, I have discovered a whole higher level of support from my family and friends who have been amazing and I have discovered that happiness is an inside job that only you can fulfil.  I have been enriched by this experience and in a way I thank him, because if this had not happened I could have allowed him to tap into my insecurities and would never have discovered all this richness in my life without him.  I would have continued to pour all my energies into finding happiness for him in his new home and in his well being.  This experience has encouraged me to look after myself and our baby, not him, which I was trying to do.

I know I have moments were I completely tear up and think we won't share our son together but I know our son will be happy because we won't be making each other unhappy. I am happier now knowing what I know and carrying on making plans for me and the little dude with the people who do want to be in my life. There is a path that is laid out for each of us so there is no point trying to change its course, what is for us won't go by us.  Trust that good things will come and let go of the things that make you unhappy.  I know this blog is a bit sad & raw but I will make you laugh next time I promise.  Sarah Milligan the comedian thanked her ex husband for falling out of love with her because without the divorce she never would have found the strength to become who she is today.  I believe things happen for a reason and know both me and the little dude have a great future ahead of us.

Thanks for reading and thank you to all my family and friends who have been my rock in the last couple of weeks.

S xxx

Do you want to just pee in this pot for me?

The days leading up to discovering I was pregnant were quite rocky to say the least.  Just a month or so into our relationship, I was pushing Garry away because guess what!?  I really, really liked him - so I was doing my ultimate best to test him, the push you away but will you stay test.  I think you girls will know what I am talking about but you guys will probably think - you idiots!  However, when you start a new relationship you feel insecure, emotional, vulnerable and a little bit crazy, because you have made yourself previously so positive, independent, strong, focused and happy.  Then someone else comes into the equation and suddenly rocks your confidence, you ask yourself - will he like me, when all you have been doing previously is saying I like me.  Also, you realise that you could be even happier than you have been alone and if that's taken away from you, you suddenly feel very vulnerable - hence the self protecting that kicks in.  In my case, push him away and then I am in control and not so vulnerable  - obviously!  

However, coupled with this vulnerability of the new budding relationship, I was also very hormental.  Unbeknown to me I was actually pregnant, however, I thought my thyroid was broken so I had taken myself off to see my doctor to get my levels checked.  I was feeling so strung out I went to see my mum, lucky her!  I rocked up at her house and ranted, stomped and raged and eventually cried.  I cannot tell why - not because it's a secret, but because I cannot remember what it was that had me so stressed out.  It is of no importance now though because all is forgotten, but I am sure my mum will be able to tell you that I was a complete pain in the arse that day.  Unconsolable and emotional and we put it down to me going through a redundancy three months previously.  We bought cream cakes to cheer us up and it worked too.

The following week Garry came to stay with me, initially everything was great, I had missed him, we had had a chat and I was feeling better about us and we had a good couple of days together. However, the time came for Garry to go back home and the mist of dome descended on me.  I started to sulk again - I don't remember why! but Garry has since told me that is not my best look and that I stop looking pretty when I sulk so I shouldn't do it.  He is stating a fact here, not being harsh, for years Barbara one of  my best friend has been comparing my sulky face to Frank from Shameless - it really isn't my best look.  

Garry left me that evening under the shadow of me saying "that's it, its over!".  The cheeky scamp, was not even phased, as this was not the first time he had heard this phrase and just left me sulking while he chuckled off to his car knowing that I was making something out of nothing.  I even saw him smirking as he walked off, but I was just as adamant that it was no laughing matter - it was over!  I was a complete nightmare that day to Garry and he just paid no notice to my mardiness as he had  realised that I had started a pattern of events and by the following week - all would be resolved and  we would again have a nice couple of days just until he was due to go home.......

The following day,  true to form I did not contact Garry, still in sulk mode I took myself off to the doctors to find out the results of my Thyroid test, this could resolve the mood swings if my Thyroid was imbalanced as it tampers with my hormones.  The doctor who saw me that morning was not to know what was about to be unleashed on her.   I had been watching Denise Welch on Lorraine talking about her struggle with depression.  I empathised with Denise and this set the pace of my visit to the doctors, I told her how erratic I had been, how I was up and down emotionally, how I had been pushing Garry away and eventually how at the age of 40, I had been having sex without contraception which was totally out of control and out of character for me.  I spiralled into a tearful snotty mess and she consoled me a box of tissues and then asked the question "when is your next period", my shocked blubbering response to this was, "it should have started two days ago but it usually turns up!"    Not really taking in the enormity of her question she then asked me to go and pee in this cup, as my thyroid was not in fact broken and my hormone imbalance could be due to me being up the duff!  

I was horrified how quickly she discovered the positive outcome.  I had never ever taken a pregnancy test in my life and immediately burst into a torrential flood of tears.  I was a Titanical wreck of emotions, the news was as if my life had actually hit the mother of all icebergs.  I was pregnant to a guy who I had known for all of two minutes and was now looking at having to tell him the news while he was looking after his daughter.

I got to the car and called him - Garry was by this time used to my next day grovelling calls of "I'm sorry!"  However, this call went more like this, "you know I have been hormental!  well, I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" To which Garry laughed - yes laughed and then said No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, his following sentence was the most insensitive but funny now " I told you we should have just had bumsex!"  

Needless to say this story does have a happy ending - Garry and I are making a go of things - we are moving in together on my birthday,  even though I still have my hormonal moments and he still has his insensitive moments.  Also, the little dude is growing and so is our relationship - fingres crossed the future is looking bright as long as I stop sulking ha ha ha.

Scan Excitement x

Myself and my boyfriend went for our dating scan on Friday 16th August, I was looking forward to it A. because I was not sure of my dates - standard and B. because we would be seeing our unborn child for the first time.  I was full of expectation, would I cry, would it hurt, would I hear the heart beat, would I want to pee myself with a full bladder and a cold gel being applied to my tummy, would I see the baby move, would I be able to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl and also how Garry my boyfriend would react to seeing our baby too.  The latter was most important to me, our relationship is now very much on now - 4mths and counting and we are planning to move in together around the corner from my Mum - I am very happy.  Never been happier!

However,  being Stan I can tip myself over the edge with my exhaustible hormental mood swings which have  kicked in double time with the pregnancy.  Poor Garry!  He is great though because he just takes no notice of me - let's me vent my silly viewpoint - which by the way is very much real at the time and very stressful.  I do go into melt down.  

On Friday I had one of these episodes on our return from our scan and a lovely pub lunch.  It started like this - we got back to the house and the shadow of darkness had ascended on me on the drive home.  My problem was I had been excited in the scan and had watched Garry's response to the whole event which was one of complacency, he could literally have taken or left it.  For me it was a magical moment and for Garry it was one that he did  out of kindness, care and I would say duty as a dad and a boyfriend.  He was not the only partner displaying these symptoms, in fact the majority of the male contingency in the anti natal ward were showing signs of boredom and bemusement. 

However, I had to tell Garry about my disappointment of his non existent excitement, to which he responded with, "no - one could get as excited as you Sarah"  or words to that effect.  It's true by the way and all of us are different.  Garry has the opinion that everyone is different and that is ok and as long as they don't hurt him or anyone else, very fair.  For me, my opinion is why do people do that - that's different to me -I don't understand that, I wouldn't do that and then I develop my problems.  So in my opinion, Garry not being excited, led me to believe that he was not looking forward to this new life.  I explained this to him, to which he said, " ask Lee (my brother in law) how he felt when he went with Laura (my sister) to see Erica for the first time at their scan.  Garry appeased me, by making me realise I was being irrational expecting him to feel what I was feeling.  He is a genius at calming me down and then laughing with me at my little sulky toy out of the pram moments ie. " are you going to pretend you are asleep or are we going to sort this out?"  "Right then, I'm going downstairs!"  He must have been pissing himself instead.

The next day I skyped my sister and brother in law to ask the big question that had been planted in my brain by Garry.  On finding out that Lee had in fact been horrified by the whole experience - not only the scan but the entire pregnancy my annoyance dissolved into complete forgiveness and realisation that I had been totally unreasonable - so unlike me ha ha ha!  I felt completely stupid and called Garry  to tell him what he already knew.  The bugger!  I have been single for over five years and I am just finding out that us girls are in fact very different from you boys.  We have levels of excitement, trauma, drama, happiness and joy that you boys will never experience at the same level and I am late to the game to understand this.  In a way I feel sorry for you boys because what us girls feel is so much more heightened, especially when injected with hormental mood inducing swings.  I am also very grateful that I have met Garry whose very calm and laid back, he may not experience my high and low levels but his stillness helps me rationalise.  I don't know how he does it, my mum is the only other person I have met who can do this with me but I very grateful that he knows how to ride the waves of my emotional outbursts.. Thank you dude - that's why I love you xxx

Thank you for reading this xx

Shit I'm 40 & Pregnant

So!  I suppose from my last blog I wrote the below wish list, I had just been made redundant and Maddie my niece had entered the world.

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Get some chiddren from somewhere

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

1.Since then, I have been freelancing which is proving to be successful and I am loving it.  I am yet to get my wish tree business off the ground because my first quote for 3,000 boxes came in at £63,000.  A bit of a none starter really and scared me to death.  The idea is still in place though and I have purchased the website so I will crack it.  I am determined to get myself in Red magazine as one of those women who are self made and smug ha ha ha!  no humble........  So the list has started with a 50% hit rate at goal 1, not a bad start.


2. I am currently looking for a new home - due to circumstances, don't know where though?  Think I need to move back home, going to need my family soon.

3.  I have a new 32 year old boyfriend, who is married - his wife left him for a kurdish man but he has never divorced her - just not got round to it, Alarm bell 1.  He also has a 21 month old daughter - alarm bell 2.  However,  he is totally fit, sexy and hilarious and I think I am in love with him even though his shoes are absolutely horrendous!  If you have ever read my blog before you would know I am a bugger for judging men by their shoes choices.  Garry's shoes say - I cannot be bothered, the square toes mean he is a bit geeky - which he is and the black trainers means he is a bit of a lad - again he is.  He knows all this by the way - I am always telling him, but this is why I love him, nothing phases him.  He doesn't give a shit and actually tells me to get over myself with my middle class ways - we all know I am not middle class and it did bring on a strop!  Needless to say I will be replacing the shoes bless him  - converse xx

4.   New Dog!  I have to get the new house first

5.  New Cat!  Again it is the house thing that needs sorting first - however Garry's cat has had kittens but I want a long haired ginger tom!  I know I am the only person alive who loves ginger ha ha.

6.  I have finished my children's book - Sheila had it printed and apart from some editing it is god to go.  Any publishers out there please inbox me

7.  I am currently unto 161 tumbler followers which is about 80 more than in February so I would say I am going well with that.  Could do better if you would like to follow it is sarahjimbob.tumblr.com - very follower counts xxx

8.  Writing a sitcom at the moment - it's my fucking life.  So far I have told my sister and brother that I am pregnant, they pissed themselves laughing.  I think I could definitely get some fun out of this.

9. Get some chiddren - This was my nervous attempt to admit I wanted children, didn't even write it properly.  I also didn't want children - they are hard work, expensive, tiring and scary.  However, for some reason, Garry didn't want to use contraception and I wasn't on the pill so the inevitable has happened.  Great! Whether we want to have children or not - it's happening now.  I am two weeks pregnant and the idea is very daunting.

10.  I am currently spending every penny on the lottery and I am willing to join any syndicates.  It's going to happen - I would say that 70% of the list is already going to plan and if I calm down my boyfriend might even grow to love me back.  Fingers crossed xxx

Thanks for reading this - I wrote this on Saturday 15th June while watching my phone and constantly obsessing about my boyfriend....... will he love me or will he leave me.  Time will tell.  Love a bit of blogging...... going to post this 12 weeks later and you will be bombarded with blogs!  This is the weirdest thing to have ever happened to me, I am looking forward to taking you on my journey.


xxxx 

Imaginary Burgler

This morning I was relaxing in my bath enjoying a long soak on my own with a huge cuppa tea, you can imagine - totally bubble bath heaven. However, this tranquility lasted for all of five minutes when  I heard a loud bang and a scratch coming from outside.  Thinking, oh it must be next door I tried to dismiss the clatter going on outside and I continued to sip my tea.  However, the noises started to intensify and become more regular, naturally as you do when you are gifted with an overactive imagination, I feared an intruder so I jumped out of the bath and ran into the bedroom to look out of the window to see what was occurring.  Only to be greeted by a very smiley over friendly, even more surprised than myself, window cleaner.  "Hello love" he mouthed through my window, " just doing the windows" he said, stating the obvious.  I was so relieved that it was only him but then looked a right plank standing in my towel dripping and by this point feeling a little annoyed. These people should ask if you want your bloody windows cleaning - thats opportunism at its dizzy heights just assuming. I could have run into the bedroom naked,  he might have fallen off his ladder if I had, that would have served him right ha ha.

I am quite prone to nervous burglar scenarios.  I once locked myself in a bathroom and called the police when I thought someone was breaking into my bosses flat where I was staying on my own.  Turns out I  had dreamt about the bang and imagined the burglar.  The Police woman on the other end of the phone was lovely though and stayed on the line until her colleagues arrived.  Fortunately, it was a weekend and a eight man strong police van was around the corner patrolling the streets so within no time at all I was stood in my pj's apologising for calling them out - obviously, there was no sign of a disturbance and I had dreamt the whole thing.  How embarrassing.  It was really scary though at the time and I was petrified. How was I to know that my imagination was playing games with me.... dammit!

Moral of the story is I should learn to control my overactive imagination as it can put me into some compromising situations - standing naked in a towel is not always a good look but I do think the window cleaner got his full £5.00 worth this morning.

Thank you for tuning in.

Sarah xx