Do you want to just pee in this pot for me?

The days leading up to discovering I was pregnant were quite rocky to say the least.  Just a month or so into our relationship, I was pushing Garry away because guess what!?  I really, really liked him - so I was doing my ultimate best to test him, the push you away but will you stay test.  I think you girls will know what I am talking about but you guys will probably think - you idiots!  However, when you start a new relationship you feel insecure, emotional, vulnerable and a little bit crazy, because you have made yourself previously so positive, independent, strong, focused and happy.  Then someone else comes into the equation and suddenly rocks your confidence, you ask yourself - will he like me, when all you have been doing previously is saying I like me.  Also, you realise that you could be even happier than you have been alone and if that's taken away from you, you suddenly feel very vulnerable - hence the self protecting that kicks in.  In my case, push him away and then I am in control and not so vulnerable  - obviously!  

However, coupled with this vulnerability of the new budding relationship, I was also very hormental.  Unbeknown to me I was actually pregnant, however, I thought my thyroid was broken so I had taken myself off to see my doctor to get my levels checked.  I was feeling so strung out I went to see my mum, lucky her!  I rocked up at her house and ranted, stomped and raged and eventually cried.  I cannot tell why - not because it's a secret, but because I cannot remember what it was that had me so stressed out.  It is of no importance now though because all is forgotten, but I am sure my mum will be able to tell you that I was a complete pain in the arse that day.  Unconsolable and emotional and we put it down to me going through a redundancy three months previously.  We bought cream cakes to cheer us up and it worked too.

The following week Garry came to stay with me, initially everything was great, I had missed him, we had had a chat and I was feeling better about us and we had a good couple of days together. However, the time came for Garry to go back home and the mist of dome descended on me.  I started to sulk again - I don't remember why! but Garry has since told me that is not my best look and that I stop looking pretty when I sulk so I shouldn't do it.  He is stating a fact here, not being harsh, for years Barbara one of  my best friend has been comparing my sulky face to Frank from Shameless - it really isn't my best look.  

Garry left me that evening under the shadow of me saying "that's it, its over!".  The cheeky scamp, was not even phased, as this was not the first time he had heard this phrase and just left me sulking while he chuckled off to his car knowing that I was making something out of nothing.  I even saw him smirking as he walked off, but I was just as adamant that it was no laughing matter - it was over!  I was a complete nightmare that day to Garry and he just paid no notice to my mardiness as he had  realised that I had started a pattern of events and by the following week - all would be resolved and  we would again have a nice couple of days just until he was due to go home.......

The following day,  true to form I did not contact Garry, still in sulk mode I took myself off to the doctors to find out the results of my Thyroid test, this could resolve the mood swings if my Thyroid was imbalanced as it tampers with my hormones.  The doctor who saw me that morning was not to know what was about to be unleashed on her.   I had been watching Denise Welch on Lorraine talking about her struggle with depression.  I empathised with Denise and this set the pace of my visit to the doctors, I told her how erratic I had been, how I was up and down emotionally, how I had been pushing Garry away and eventually how at the age of 40, I had been having sex without contraception which was totally out of control and out of character for me.  I spiralled into a tearful snotty mess and she consoled me a box of tissues and then asked the question "when is your next period", my shocked blubbering response to this was, "it should have started two days ago but it usually turns up!"    Not really taking in the enormity of her question she then asked me to go and pee in this cup, as my thyroid was not in fact broken and my hormone imbalance could be due to me being up the duff!  

I was horrified how quickly she discovered the positive outcome.  I had never ever taken a pregnancy test in my life and immediately burst into a torrential flood of tears.  I was a Titanical wreck of emotions, the news was as if my life had actually hit the mother of all icebergs.  I was pregnant to a guy who I had known for all of two minutes and was now looking at having to tell him the news while he was looking after his daughter.

I got to the car and called him - Garry was by this time used to my next day grovelling calls of "I'm sorry!"  However, this call went more like this, "you know I have been hormental!  well, I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" To which Garry laughed - yes laughed and then said No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, his following sentence was the most insensitive but funny now " I told you we should have just had bumsex!"  

Needless to say this story does have a happy ending - Garry and I are making a go of things - we are moving in together on my birthday,  even though I still have my hormonal moments and he still has his insensitive moments.  Also, the little dude is growing and so is our relationship - fingres crossed the future is looking bright as long as I stop sulking ha ha ha.

Scan Excitement x

Myself and my boyfriend went for our dating scan on Friday 16th August, I was looking forward to it A. because I was not sure of my dates - standard and B. because we would be seeing our unborn child for the first time.  I was full of expectation, would I cry, would it hurt, would I hear the heart beat, would I want to pee myself with a full bladder and a cold gel being applied to my tummy, would I see the baby move, would I be able to tell if the baby was a boy or a girl and also how Garry my boyfriend would react to seeing our baby too.  The latter was most important to me, our relationship is now very much on now - 4mths and counting and we are planning to move in together around the corner from my Mum - I am very happy.  Never been happier!

However,  being Stan I can tip myself over the edge with my exhaustible hormental mood swings which have  kicked in double time with the pregnancy.  Poor Garry!  He is great though because he just takes no notice of me - let's me vent my silly viewpoint - which by the way is very much real at the time and very stressful.  I do go into melt down.  

On Friday I had one of these episodes on our return from our scan and a lovely pub lunch.  It started like this - we got back to the house and the shadow of darkness had ascended on me on the drive home.  My problem was I had been excited in the scan and had watched Garry's response to the whole event which was one of complacency, he could literally have taken or left it.  For me it was a magical moment and for Garry it was one that he did  out of kindness, care and I would say duty as a dad and a boyfriend.  He was not the only partner displaying these symptoms, in fact the majority of the male contingency in the anti natal ward were showing signs of boredom and bemusement. 

However, I had to tell Garry about my disappointment of his non existent excitement, to which he responded with, "no - one could get as excited as you Sarah"  or words to that effect.  It's true by the way and all of us are different.  Garry has the opinion that everyone is different and that is ok and as long as they don't hurt him or anyone else, very fair.  For me, my opinion is why do people do that - that's different to me -I don't understand that, I wouldn't do that and then I develop my problems.  So in my opinion, Garry not being excited, led me to believe that he was not looking forward to this new life.  I explained this to him, to which he said, " ask Lee (my brother in law) how he felt when he went with Laura (my sister) to see Erica for the first time at their scan.  Garry appeased me, by making me realise I was being irrational expecting him to feel what I was feeling.  He is a genius at calming me down and then laughing with me at my little sulky toy out of the pram moments ie. " are you going to pretend you are asleep or are we going to sort this out?"  "Right then, I'm going downstairs!"  He must have been pissing himself instead.

The next day I skyped my sister and brother in law to ask the big question that had been planted in my brain by Garry.  On finding out that Lee had in fact been horrified by the whole experience - not only the scan but the entire pregnancy my annoyance dissolved into complete forgiveness and realisation that I had been totally unreasonable - so unlike me ha ha ha!  I felt completely stupid and called Garry  to tell him what he already knew.  The bugger!  I have been single for over five years and I am just finding out that us girls are in fact very different from you boys.  We have levels of excitement, trauma, drama, happiness and joy that you boys will never experience at the same level and I am late to the game to understand this.  In a way I feel sorry for you boys because what us girls feel is so much more heightened, especially when injected with hormental mood inducing swings.  I am also very grateful that I have met Garry whose very calm and laid back, he may not experience my high and low levels but his stillness helps me rationalise.  I don't know how he does it, my mum is the only other person I have met who can do this with me but I very grateful that he knows how to ride the waves of my emotional outbursts.. Thank you dude - that's why I love you xxx

Thank you for reading this xx

Shit I'm 40 & Pregnant

So!  I suppose from my last blog I wrote the below wish list, I had just been made redundant and Maddie my niece had entered the world.

1. New job - freelance & own business or working for another cooperate company 

2. New home

3. New Boy - that would be nice

4. New dog

5. New cat

6. Finish children's book

7. Grow my tumblr popularity

8. Write a sitcom

9. Get some chiddren from somewhere

10. Win lottery, so all of the above can happen sooner rather than later

1.Since then, I have been freelancing which is proving to be successful and I am loving it.  I am yet to get my wish tree business off the ground because my first quote for 3,000 boxes came in at £63,000.  A bit of a none starter really and scared me to death.  The idea is still in place though and I have purchased the website so I will crack it.  I am determined to get myself in Red magazine as one of those women who are self made and smug ha ha ha!  no humble........  So the list has started with a 50% hit rate at goal 1, not a bad start.


2. I am currently looking for a new home - due to circumstances, don't know where though?  Think I need to move back home, going to need my family soon.

3.  I have a new 32 year old boyfriend, who is married - his wife left him for a kurdish man but he has never divorced her - just not got round to it, Alarm bell 1.  He also has a 21 month old daughter - alarm bell 2.  However,  he is totally fit, sexy and hilarious and I think I am in love with him even though his shoes are absolutely horrendous!  If you have ever read my blog before you would know I am a bugger for judging men by their shoes choices.  Garry's shoes say - I cannot be bothered, the square toes mean he is a bit geeky - which he is and the black trainers means he is a bit of a lad - again he is.  He knows all this by the way - I am always telling him, but this is why I love him, nothing phases him.  He doesn't give a shit and actually tells me to get over myself with my middle class ways - we all know I am not middle class and it did bring on a strop!  Needless to say I will be replacing the shoes bless him  - converse xx

4.   New Dog!  I have to get the new house first

5.  New Cat!  Again it is the house thing that needs sorting first - however Garry's cat has had kittens but I want a long haired ginger tom!  I know I am the only person alive who loves ginger ha ha.

6.  I have finished my children's book - Sheila had it printed and apart from some editing it is god to go.  Any publishers out there please inbox me

7.  I am currently unto 161 tumbler followers which is about 80 more than in February so I would say I am going well with that.  Could do better if you would like to follow it is sarahjimbob.tumblr.com - very follower counts xxx

8.  Writing a sitcom at the moment - it's my fucking life.  So far I have told my sister and brother that I am pregnant, they pissed themselves laughing.  I think I could definitely get some fun out of this.

9. Get some chiddren - This was my nervous attempt to admit I wanted children, didn't even write it properly.  I also didn't want children - they are hard work, expensive, tiring and scary.  However, for some reason, Garry didn't want to use contraception and I wasn't on the pill so the inevitable has happened.  Great! Whether we want to have children or not - it's happening now.  I am two weeks pregnant and the idea is very daunting.

10.  I am currently spending every penny on the lottery and I am willing to join any syndicates.  It's going to happen - I would say that 70% of the list is already going to plan and if I calm down my boyfriend might even grow to love me back.  Fingers crossed xxx

Thanks for reading this - I wrote this on Saturday 15th June while watching my phone and constantly obsessing about my boyfriend....... will he love me or will he leave me.  Time will tell.  Love a bit of blogging...... going to post this 12 weeks later and you will be bombarded with blogs!  This is the weirdest thing to have ever happened to me, I am looking forward to taking you on my journey.


xxxx